The Boyfriend Designer - Christopher Harlan Page 0,5
“What’s your question? Actually, wait, I have one for you first.”
Just as I’m about to hear Sabina’s question, I hear the natives start to get restless.
“Miss, we’re all waiting for our coffee!”
I hate rude people. It’s a pet peeve of mine.
I stand up again, only this time I put on my mean face. The one that accompanies me saying things like I’m about to say to mean old lady. “Everyone be nice. You come to a twenty-first century opium den, probably every day, because you’re afraid you’ll pass out behind the wheel if you don’t get a bump soon. Think about that while I talk to my sister for another minute.”
“Sister?” Sabina asks.
“Oh, nothing, that’s just an expression I use sometimes. But back to what you were gonna ask me.”
“Your name. You know mine, but apparently normal people don’t wear their name on all of their clothing — just us drug dealers I guess.”
I snicker. “Shoshana.”
“I love that name. It reminds me of this character on the show. . .”
“Girls?” I get that all the time. Shoshana was one of the hot quirky friends on the super popular show that used to be on HBO — when Adam Driver was still Adam and not yet Kylo Ren.
“Yeah, exactly. How did you know what I was going to say?”
Because you may be my drug dealing spirit animal, Sabina, but you’re about the millionth person to say that to me. “I get it a lot. Now my turn?”
“Yup. Go ahead.”
“So my question has three parts, if that’s okay.”
“Shoot.”
“If you could design your own boyfriend, a.) describe his looks and personality, b.) what romantic comedy universe would you want your relationship to take place in, and c.) what’s the most important thing you’d want him to know about you to make your relationship a success?”
She looks a little overwhelmed by my question. All the women I ask look like that at first.
My vlog is called The Boyfriend Designer.
When Tori finally convinced me that I could be American Cheese just like her, I struggled with what my theme would be. One thing I did know was that I wanted to be different—to not be Tori’s side kick producer anymore. I had an idea. Her channel, Women on D*cks, is about the bad side of guys—women telling stories of horror show level exes.
I love Tori’s channel. I produced it for years and it’s one of the most popular vlogs in YouTube land for women, but I decided to go in a different direction. I wanted to make my channel all about positivity and possibilities—I wanted women to be able to talk to about their ideals instead of their reals—hence the name, The Boyfriend Designer. It’s all about constructing the perfect guy.
“Ummm. . . as far as looks go—he’ll be six foot two, with blue eyes, shortish brown hair, clean shaven—maybe a little stubble but not too much—and he has to care about his body. As far as rom-com’s go, I fan girl hard for Matthew McConaughey in How To Lose A Guy in 10 days.”
“Me too.” I don’t mean to interrupt, but I love me some McConaughey. I have this recurring fantasy where he’s standing over me dressed in his outfit from Dazed and Confused. Just before we do it, he smiles at me with that beautiful face and let’s out an alright, alright, alright. . .
“And for the last question. . .” She stops and thinks, hard. “I’d want him to know that the sure-fire way to lose me is to lie to me. I hate liars, it’s a deal breaker for me.”
Wow. Go Sabina. That’s my sister right there.
“I love it. Can I come back sometime and put you on camera some time?”
“Only if those people on line over there let me live long enough. But, yeah, sure, anytime. I’d love to be in a YouTube video. I’m gonna head back to work. Congrats on the seven hundred and fifty thousand — I’ll subscribe on my break to make it seven hundred fifty thousand—and one.”
“You’re really sweet.”
Sabina heads back to serve coffee to the masses as I open up my laptop to check out my channel again. Seeing that number in such a short time is really incredible, and its thanks in no small part to Tori. She really helped use her platform to get the ball rolling with subscribers and people who knew me from her vlog and podcast.
I have to text her. She’s on a book tour right now, so she