The Boyfriend Designer - Christopher Harlan Page 0,27
with guys of a certain age.
What’s not typical is having a woman as fucking sexy as Shoshana sitting in the back, making me happy that I was born a man.
I finish up, I take all the pics as fast as I can, and when I’m done I need to go over there and talk to her. I can’t leave things the way we left them last night.
What kind of pack leader would I be if I did that?
Shoshana
“I planted the gay orgy seed, it’s there forever now.”
I think Tori might hit me for bringing her here.
I brace myself for the full 5 finger slap, but it never comes. “I feel like I could write an entire follow up book based on what I just saw in Conor’s lecture. Possibly a limited podcast series. Maybe even a docu-series on Netflix. Holy crap, Shosh.”
“I know, it’s like, the weirdest gay porn ever, right?”
“Wait, that’s not what I said at all. I said. . .”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, another best seller on men being pigs, blah, blah, I get it. I don’t see it that way.”
“You see gay porn instead?”
“What? You don’t? Interesting. I think someone’s not as good at analyzing things as she thinks.”
“Wait, you’re saying my analysis is off because I’m not picturing a bunch of guys having sex with one another?”
“Precisely. I mean, the homoeroticism is so thick you could cut it with a dildo.” I snicker. I don’t mean to, but my brain left me no choice. If Conor pulled it out and put on a fake wolf costume these guys would line up to blow him. They’d fight over who gets the first load on their face.” Based on Tori’s expression I think I may have taken it just a tad too far. But that’s kind of what I do.
“I can’t even. . . there’s so much to unpack in that one sentence, I don’t even know where to start.”
“Don’t start, just think about it when you have a free minute in between best selling books and podcasts. It’ll make sense, I promise. “And I’m sorry,” I say. “I planted the gay orgy seed, it’s there forever. You’ll have to live with it.”
“I guess so.”
Just as Tori and I are finishing up our banter, Conor walks over. He still has the mic on his head like he just performed at the Super Bowl Halftime Show. “So ladies, what did you think?”
Tori speaks before I can even form a thought. “The less I answer that question the better. No offense, Conor.”
“None taken, believe me. Women have trouble getting what I do, you shouldn’t feel bad about that.”
“I don’t, that’s not what I was. . .”
“But how about you, Shoshana?” He cuts Tori off before she goes into full feminist lecture mode. Probably a good call on his part. “What did you think?”
Don’t say gay orgy. . . DO NOT say gay orgy. “Umm. . . it was definitely interesting.”
“Good interesting?”
“Uh. . . yeah, sure.”
“Maybe you learned a thing or two.” He says. “I’m a teacher at heart.”
Tori laughs. I nudge her in the stomach. “I think I need to head back, Shosh. I’ll catch up with you later. Thanks for the invite Conor, it was. . . illuminating, to say the least.”
Our euphemism game is strong right now. What I want to do is grab him by the shoulders, shake him as hard as I can and yell “What the holy fuck” over and over again until he explains what I just witnessed.
“Later, Tori. Thanks again. Good luck.”
“You too.”
Conor turns back to me and I lose myself in his eyes. That, coupled with the fact that he’s a giant when he’s standing this close to me. “So tell me, what did you learn?”
I feel like I’m back in middle school. Fine, I’ll bite, I don’t want to be rude, he clearly takes this seriously. “Well,” I say, trying to find something to latch onto that doesn’t require the ‘what the fuck’ I so desperately want to say. “I’ve never heard the expression ‘man bush’ before. That’s a new one for me.”
“You have to tame that shit like a wild stallion.”
“You mean you have to break your pubic hair’s spirit?”
He laughs at that one. “Something like that. Plus, when you tame the man bush, it makes your dick look much bigger.”
“I’m sure you need that, so I fully support the manscaping.”
“Trust me, I don’t need any help in that department.”