The Boyfriend Designer - Christopher Harlan Page 0,25

but most are just fans of the page. I sign everything they want me to sign, take more selfies than I’ve ever taken in my life before, and have some great conversations.

When it’s all over, I collect my super bitter best friend and we go off to see the alpha show.

Conor

“You’ve Got To Trim The Monster Man Bush.”

“Welcome to Unlocking Your Inner Alpha with your pack leader, Conor Durden. I appreciate each and every one of you supporting me and my channel. I see some very familiar faces—shout out to Frank and Jeremy up in the front here. I see Will, Peter and Eric back there. What’s up guys? And to all the new faces, thanks for coming out. Now, you all know who I am, right?”

They yell out exactly what I want them to. It’s music to my ears:

“You’re the Pack Leader!”

“That’s right. I am your pack leader, but, unlike out there in nature, I want each and every one of you to be alphas also—it’s what my vlog is dedicated to. You see, in nature, like with a pack of lions or wolves, there can only be one true alpha, and if another comes along they’ll fight to the death to establish dominance. That’s the difference between us and the animal world—human alphas can work together to build one another up so ALL of us—each and every one of you included—can thrive. Now, as it said on your ticket, this is session four of my “Unlocking Your Inner Alpha” series—a special live edition, make sure to check out episodes 1-3 on my page. So, with summer quickly approaching I thought it would be best to focus on two things: improving your swag gait and some killer V-Cut hacks. What do you guys think?”

They erupt. I’ve got them eating out of my hands right now.

“Now, Eric?”

“Yes, pack leader?”

I fucking love it. “I appreciate the deference, brother, but we can just go with Conor for this little exercise.”

“No problem, Conor. What do you need?”

“I need you to get up and walk over to me, buddy. That’s it. Straight down the center of the room. Got it?”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it. Come walk to me and I might just hand you the exclusive Unlocking Your Inner Alpha wolf shirt I had made up just for this conference. The rest of you can grab one on my website for the sale price of $29.99. Remember that all proceeds go to helping other guys like you unlock their inner alpha. But I digress. Eric, come take a walk, bud. The rest of you, I just want you to observe. We’re going to get back to what you see in a minute.”

He does what I ask. Of course he does. He walks over awkwardly, takes the tee from me, shakes my hand and then walks back to his seat. “Great. Thank you very much Eric. Now, what did the rest of my pack notice about Eric’s walk?”

They start yelling out like a class that’s out of control. I listen to the cacophony of deep male voices, loving every second of their engagement, and then I hear what I want to hear from some random dude in the front. “NO SWAG GAIT.”

“Yes!” I yell back. “Sorry, Eric, but your swag gait needs some improvement. Watch me.”

I walk down the center of the room like a goddamn champion. It took me a long time to get my walk right, and now I’m so confident in it that I can teach others. The crowd ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ as I do my thing, and I go through the technique of proper weight distribution, bounce, and upper body posture. Boom! Drop the mic—metaphorically speaking.

“Alright, now that you know how to apply that swag gait to your walk, onto our next topic. Next we need to talk about what a lot of us guys don’t like thinking about or dealing with—you know what I’m talking about fellas?”

“Premature ejaculation?”

I hear the yell from the back of the room and look up.

God dammit, it’s Shoshana. I ignore her as the guys start to yell out answers. Finally, one dude raises his hand and I call on him like a high school teacher. “Yes. Guy in the blue shirt. Nice fit on that, by the way.”

“Thanks Conor, it’s from your exclusive line of custom button-downs. And I was going to say grooming.”

“Yes, grooming! That’s right, guys, you know it’s true. We don’t like talking about this, doing it—hell, some of us don’t even like thinking