choking the life out of me. I’ve never felt that way before. I don’t understand why I’m failing at something I’ve always excelled at.
“Say what?” he asks nonchalantly, continuing to strip off his sweat-soaked apparel.
Even though it’s uncomfortable, I admit through stiff lips, “That my game is off.” Acknowledging the truth is like a punch to the gut. Expected, but still a surprise.
For the first time since we’ve entered the locker room, I give Beck a bit of side-eye to get a read on his expression. It’s just as I suspected. Concern mingled with confusion. Exactly what I don’t want to deal with. I’ve always found it easier to suppress my feelings and shove them deep down inside where they can’t see the light of day.
Keep it moving.
That’s my motto.
I do my best not to dwell on the reason this is happening. My hope is that if I ignore the problem long enough, it’ll work itself out. That’s what I’ve done all my life—ignored the bad shit and focused on the future, and I’ve been just fine. So why isn’t it working now? Why are the wheels falling off when I need them to stay put? This can’t be how I go out.
It just can’t be.
I need to get this situation figured out and fast before it becomes any more of an issue.
Beck shrugs, downplaying my plunging spiral. “Wasn’t going to mention it.”
I almost snort.
Yeah, right.
“Good,” I say with a grunt. Unable to help myself, I shoot an anxious glance toward Coach’s office. My voice drops before I reluctantly admit, “For once in his life, Baker is right. I’d better grab some lube. Coach is going to ream my ass.”
Beck flicks his gaze toward the inner sanctum.
Nik Taylor is one of the toughest coaches you’ll find in Division I football. He runs his program like a tight ship. If he’s willing to give one hundred percent to his team, he expects his players to do the same in return. If you’re not willing to bleed for the guys standing shoulder to shoulder with you on the field, there’s no place for you on this roster. Even though I have no intention of entering the NFL draft, I wanted to play for the best. With the best. Against the best.
Now I don’t feel worthy of playing alongside these men. It’s the worst fucking feeling in the world.
“Please,” Beck snorts. “Baker is a bonehead. Don’t listen to a word that comes out of his yap.”
That might be true, but I have a hunch that he’s spot-on about the lube. Coach isn’t going to put up with stupid mistakes on his field. I’m scared shitless that he’ll pull me. If Coach doesn’t believe in me—a man I’ve played for my entire college career—how can I believe in myself?
“Look, man,” Beck continues, interrupting those depressing thoughts, “we all have off days. Don’t stress about it.”
I think that by now, we both realize this is more than just an off day. It’s a string of unfortunate events.
“Easier said than done,” I mumble.
With nothing else to say, we silently strip off the rest of our gear before hitting the showers. Now that Coach has cloistered himself in his office, the locker room once again turns rowdy. Everyone has caught their second wind. Guys are talking about all the parties happening off-campus this weekend. The team has been at Wesley, practicing twice a day since the beginning of July. We’ve spent hundreds of hours running through plays on the field, lifting in the gym, scrimmaging, and watching game film. With the start of school next week, this is the final hoorah. Everyone wants to cut loose and party their asses off before we have to buckle down for the season.
Once Beck hits the showers, I slump onto the bench with a huff and stare pensively at my hands. I want to get this ass-chewing over with and move on with my life. Best case scenario, this will be a pep talk. Worst case, Kwiatkowski is moving up in the world. A cold sweat breaks out across my brow at the possibility. A couple of guys have already come and gone from the enclosed space and yet, I remain paralyzed on the bench.
“Get a move on it, bro,” Beck prods, returning with a towel slung around his waist. “I got shit to take care of.”
“Go on without me,” I mutter. “I have a feeling this is gonna take a while.”