The Book of Doom - By Barry Hutchison Page 0,44

nipples should have been, there were eyes. Zac stared at them. He couldn’t help himself. How could he not stare? After a moment, one of the nipples gave him a cheeky wink.

“Yiassas!” cried the man. He caught Zac by the upper arms, then leaned in and kissed him on both cheeks before he could pull away. The man smelled of death and olives. “I am Argus Panoptes. You have been looking for me, yes?”

Zac stepped back. “You’re Argus?” He jabbed a thumb in the direction of the seated giant. “Then who’s that?”

Argus laughed, making his bare belly jiggle like half-set jelly. “This? This is just a statue.”

“It doesn’t look like a statue.”

“It is woven from the skin of my enemies’ children,” Argus said. He smiled again, and in that moment Zac was reminded that he was dealing with a demon. There were too many teeth in that mouth, all crammed in together, jostling for space. “Feel it, yes? Touch it.”

“No, thanks.”

“Please. Please, I insist,” Argus said. “Touch my giant leg. It bring you luck.”

“Right, well, if it’ll make you happy,” Zac sighed. He touched the nearest leg. The skin was disturbingly smooth.

Argus beamed. “Is nice, yes?”

“Not really my cup of tea,” Zac said. “What about the eyes? I’m guessing they didn’t come from your enemies’ children. Unless, you know, your enemies’ children are huge.”

“Ah, no, no. The eyes, they belong to me.”

With a quick flick of his wrist, Argus removed his sunglasses, revealing two dark holes. Zac gazed into the empty sockets, then up at the beach-ball-sized eyeballs in the statue’s face.

“Those must’ve been a tight fit,” he said.

Argus laughed again. “Haha! Yes. They are not my actual eyes, of course. Would you care to sit?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Please, I insist. Please.”

“I’d prefer to stand,” said Zac.

Argus’s shoulders slumped, then a wry grin crept across his face. He placed his hands on his stomach and folded two rolls of flab together, giving the impression of a mouth.

“Pwease, Zac,” Argus said, moving the rolls so it looked as if they were talking. “Pwease sit down on our lovely couch.”

To their credit, even Argus’s nipples got in on the act. They looked imploringly at Zac.

“Yeah... OK,” Zac said. He pointed at Argus’s belly. “If you promise to stop that.”

Argus laughed again, then he jigged over to a cream leather sofa that stood off to one side of the room. Zac noticed his shoes for the first time. They were bright red with gold trim, curled up at the toes like a genie in a pantomime.

The shoes danced on to a leopard-skin rug that was spread on the floor between the couch and a roaring coal fire. The demon jabbed at the coals with a poker while he waited for Zac to sit.

“I know why you have come to see me, Zac,” he said once Zac had positioned himself on the couch. “I have been following you closely for some time.”

Zac raised an eyebrow. “You have, have you?”

“Please, please, do not take it personally,” said Argus, giving the coals a final stab. “I follow everyone closely.”

He set the poker back on its hook, then turned to face his guest. Zac wished the demon would put the glasses back on, but they were nowhere to be seen, and so he forced himself to stare into the hollow sockets and did his best not to flinch.

Argus slapped his belly several times. It jiggled hypnotically. “You are seeking the Book of Everything and you have come to ask for my help, yes?”

Zac didn’t reply.

“You believe I can provide you with – how you say? – information as to its exact whereabouts.”

“They’ve built a tenth circle on to Hell. I’ve been told you might know what’s down there.”

“I bet you have,” Argus exclaimed. He gave a twirl, and Zac saw there was another eye poking out from the demon’s hairy back. “I am the all-seeing Argus, after all.”

Zac leaned forward slowly, making the leather couch creak. “So what is down there?”

Argus tapped the side of his nose. “Aha! All in good time, yes? Right now, I see we are about to have company.”

With a wink of his nipples, Argus turned and gestured towards the elevator doors, just as they opened with a ping.

HERE WAS A momentary commotion within the elevator, and then Herya was bundled out. The bouncer shoved her forward, then stepped out after her.

“Here she is, Mr Argus. Like you asked,” he said. “Gimme a shout if she gets out of hand.”

With a brief nod to