“Don’t you get lonely, though?” Damn, the alcohol and weed were making me brave.
“I have you, cucciolo, and you are extremely entertaining.”
That didn’t sit right with me. I wanted to be more than entertaining. I wanted you to see me as an equal, someone worthy of your respect. But here I was, acting all immature, waking you up late at night with a drunk dial and having you cover for me to my parents. It made our age difference painfully obvious.
“I won’t always be this way,” I said.
“What way is that?” you asked slowly.
“I’m going to grow up.” I wanted to be what you needed.
“Of course, you are. You’re growing every day.”
God, what a parental thing to say. May as well remind me to take my chewy vitamins. I swore you did that on purpose sometimes, just to put me in my place.
“I’m going to be a man,” I said forcefully.
“Yes, I know that, Vincent.” Your tone was cautious.
I wanted to say more, but I was too afraid you’d reject me right then and there. I wasn’t ready for that kind of finality, and I wasn’t sure what I was asking for anyway. The things I wanted… the things I fantasized about having with you… they were not appropriate. It made me feel like a huge pervert, to be quite honest.
We were silent as you drove through South Beach. The neon lights and throngs of people on the street felt so different from the quiet stillness we shared.
“What are you thinking right now?” I asked.
“I’m thinking that I’m glad you called me tonight. I want to be the person you call upon when you’re in uncertain circumstances.”
“It wasn’t like that. I just really missed you.” I sighed, not even bothering to mask my longing.
“I missed you too,” you said with an easy smile and roughed up my hair.
But how badly, and in what way? Was it a soul-deep ache or just a casual, I wonder what Vincent’s up to right now? Would you even tell me if I asked? And why did I get the sense that this dynamic—me pushing and you dodging—had played out already many times before?
At your condo, after I’d changed into my pajamas and brushed my teeth, I suggested I sleep in your bed. It was brazen, I’ll admit, but I was okay with getting rejected in this at least.
“What if I get sick and choke on my own vomit?” I asked, knowing that wouldn’t happen.
You eyed me suspiciously but motioned to your bed. I dove right in and rolled around to cover your sheets with my scent. It was such a weird, pervy thing to do, but I couldn’t help it. I sensed you were waiting for me to fall asleep before joining me, so I pretended, and then when you were settled in next to me, I scooted backward until your side was pressed against my spine. I rubbed against you like one of my cats.
“Goodnight, Henri.” I wanted you to know it wasn’t an accident.
“Sleep well, Vincent.”
I waited for you to kiss my forehead, as you sometimes did, or stroke my hair, but you just laid there, frozen. You barely even breathed.
“Do you have any pictures of him?” I asked you the next day. We’d just come back from the beach, and you were making peanut butter and banana sandwiches at the kitchen island. I’d surveyed your condo already and determined that if you did have pictures, they were kept hidden.
“Of who, cucciolo?” you asked, playing dumb.
“Orlando.” I was careful with his name as I steadied you with my eyes. I was very good at getting people to open up to me.
“I have a few.” You licked the remaining peanut butter off the knife with a practiced precision. I thought back to Valentina’s instruction as my eyes followed the path of your wet tongue against the metal. I wished I could record it and play it back in slow-motion. You were so… thorough.
“Can I see them?” I asked.
Your eyes lifted to meet mine, and you scrutinized me closely.
“One day,” you said enigmatically.
“One day soon?”
You shrugged. “Perhaps.”
If I had a blood bag for every time you said perhaps.
“How did you meet him?”
You smiled, catching onto my game. “Tell me more about this party you’re planning.”
I narrowed my eyes. The only way I’d get the truth out of you was to catch you off-guard.
“It’s a joint birthday extravaganza with Valentina. It’s going to be a color party. With