From Blood & Ash by Jennifer L. Armentrout Page 0,144
progress.”
My brows furrowed. “Progress with what?”
“With you,” he answered. “You’re not being very nice, but at least you’re talking. That’s progress.”
“I’m not being mean,” I shot back. “I just don’t like to be called that.”
“Uh-huh,” he murmured.
“Whatever.” I tore my gaze from his, feeling…I didn’t know what I was feeling. I squirmed, uncomfortable, and it had nothing to do with how hard the stone was beneath me.
I wasn’t mad at Hawke. I was just angry with…everything.
“I get it,” he said quietly.
When I looked at him, I saw that he’d moved closer, and I hadn’t heard him. He was only a few feet from me now. “You do?” I lifted my brows. “You understand?”
Hawke stared at me, and in that moment, I felt something other than anger and pain. Shame burned through me like acid. Of course, Hawke knew, at least to some extent. But still, he probably knew better than a lot of other people.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” The hardness had eased from my tone.
“I said this to you before, shortly after everything, but I don’t think you heard me,” he said. I thought about those vague sensations of him being beside me. “I should’ve said it again sooner. I’m sorry for everything that has happened. Vikter was a good man. Despite the last words we exchanged, I respected him, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t do anything.”
Every muscle in my body locked up. “Hawke—”
“I don’t know if me being there—like I should’ve been—would’ve changed the outcome,” he went on, “but I’m sorry that I wasn’t. That there was nothing I could do by the time I did get there. I’m sorry—”
“You have nothing to apologize for.” I rose from the ledge, my joints stiff from sitting for so long. “I don’t blame you for what happened. I’m not mad at you.”
“I know.” He looked above me and out the window to the Rise. “But that doesn’t change that I wish I would’ve done something that could’ve prevented this.”
“There are a lot of things I wish I would’ve done differently,” I admitted, staring at my hands. “If I’d gone to my room—”
“If you’d gone to your room, this still would’ve happened. Don’t put this on yourself.” A heartbeat later, I felt his fingers under my chin. He lifted my gaze to his. “You’re not to blame for this, Poppy. Not at all. If anything, I—” He cut himself off with a low curse. “Don’t take on the blame that belongs to others. You understand?”
I did, but that changed nothing, so I said, “Ten.”
His brows knitted. “What?”
“Ten times, you’ve called me Poppy.”
One side of his lips tipped up. The faintest trace of the dimple appeared. “I like calling you that, but I like calling you Princess more.”
“Shocker,” I replied.
He dipped his chin. “It’s okay, you know?”
“What is?”
“Everything that you’re feeling,” he said. “And everything that you’re not.”
My breath caught as my chest squeezed, and it wasn’t just pain doing that. It was something lighter, something warmer. How he knew was proof that, in some way, he’d been where I was right now. I didn’t know if I moved or if he did, but my arms were suddenly around him, and he was holding me just as tightly as I was him. My cheek was plastered to his chest, below his heart, and when his chin dropped to the top of my head, I shuddered in relief. The tender hug didn’t fix the world. The pain and anger were still there. But Hawke was so warm, and his embrace was…gods, it felt like hope, like a promise that I wouldn’t always feel this way.
We stood there for some time before Hawke pulled back, and as he did, he smoothed the unruly strands of hair back from my face, sending a shiver of recognition through me.
“I did come here with a purpose,” he said. “The Duchess needs to speak with you.”
I blinked. So, it was time. “And you’re just telling me now?”
“Figured what we had to say to each other was far more important.”
“I don’t think the Duchess would agree,” I told him, and the expression on his face said that he didn’t really care. “It’s time for me to find out how I’ll be punished for what I…for what I did to the Lord, isn’t it?”
Hawke frowned at me. “If I thought I was delivering you for punishment, I wouldn’t be taking you there.”
Surprise flickered through me, proving it was yet another emotion I could feel. “Where would you take me?”