From Blood & Ash by Jennifer L. Armentrout Page 0,123
You just replace your last memory—a bad one—with a new one—a good one—and you keep doing that until the initial one no longer outweighs the replacement.”
I opened my mouth, but then I really thought about what he’d said. My gaze traveled to the darkness beyond the door. What he’d said actually made sense. “You make it sound so easy.”
“It’s not. It’s hard and uncomfortable, but it works.” He extended his bare hand, and I looked down, staring at it as if a dangerous animal rested in his palm—a fluffy, cute one that I wanted to pet. “And you won’t be alone. I’ll be there with you, and not just watching over you.”
I’ll be there with you, and not just watching over you.
My startled gaze lifted to his face. His words struck a chord I tried to never touch. Gods, I couldn’t even begin to know the number of times I’d felt alone since Ian had left, even though I rarely ever was by myself. But those around me the most were sometimes just there because they had to be. Even Tawny and Vikter. That acknowledgement didn’t lessen how much I knew they cared for me and how much I cared for them, but it also didn’t change that while they were with me, they were sometimes not present. Nor did it change the fact that I knew a lot of it was in my head. That small, very insecure part of myself that worried that our friendship would be non-existent if Tawny wasn’t my lady’s maid never really went away. I worried she’d be like Dafina and Loren and the other Ladies in Wait.
How did Hawke know that? Or did he know I felt that way? I wanted to ask, but again, it was something I didn’t like to touch or talk about. Loneliness often brought with it a heavy, coarse blanket of shame, and a cloak constructed of embarrassment.
But with Hawke, even in the short time I’d known him, I didn’t feel alone. Could it be simply his presence? When he was in a room, he seemed to become the center of it. Or was it more? I couldn’t deny that I was attracted to him, forbidden or not.
And I didn’t want to return to my room, left to confusing thoughts that I couldn’t act upon. I didn’t want to spend another night wishing I was living instead of actually doing it.
Was it wise, though, if I was right about what I’d felt from him? I could’ve been wrong, but if I wasn’t? Did I have the willpower to remember what I was? I shouldn’t even attempt to find out
But I…I wanted.
Drawing in a shallow breath, I reached for his hand but stopped. “If someone saw me…saw you—”
“Saw us? Holding hands? Dear gods, the scandal.” Another quick grin surfaced, and this time, the dimple appeared. “No one is here.” He glanced around the hall. “Unless you see people I can’t.”
“Yes, I see the spirits of those who’ve made bad life choices,” I replied dryly.
He chuckled. “I doubt anyone will recognize us in the courtyard. Not with both of us masked, and just the moonlight and a few lamps to light the way.” He wiggled his fingers. “Besides, I have a feeling anyone out there will be too busy to care.”
My vast imagination filled in what could possibly cause others to be too busy to care.
“You’re such a bad influence,” I murmured as I placed my hand in his.
Hawke curled his fingers around mine. The weight and warmth of his hand was a pleasant shock. “Only the bad can be influenced, Princess.”
Chapter 24
“That sounds like faulty logic to me,” I told him.
He chuckled as he started toward the garden archway. “My logic is never faulty.”
“I feel like that’s not something one would be aware of if it was,” I pointed out, smiling slightly.
Cold night air greeted us as we stepped outside, and my heart kicked up at the familiar, sweet scent of flowers and rich, damp soil.
My gaze bounced around a little wildly as I looked for something to be off, to be different than the last time I had been here. There had to be. Oil lanterns were spaced throughout the main pathway, but the sections that branched off were dark—the moonlight couldn’t even penetrate them. My steps slowed as the soft breeze rattled the bushes and lifted strands of my hair.
Hawke spoke softly. “One of the last places I saw my brother was a favorite place of mine.”