From Blood and Ash (Blood And Ash #1) - Jennifer L. Armentrout Page 0,133

this point, I knew I couldn’t continue lying, at least not about everything. “We walked around, and Hawke showed me a place he enjoyed in the garden. I…I asked him to kiss me.”

Vikter looked away, jaw locking.

“And we did kiss. Okay? It happened, but that was all. He stopped it before it went any further,” I told him, speaking the truth. “I know I shouldn’t have asked him—”

“He shouldn’t have been so willing to oblige you.”

“That’s not the point.”

“That is the point, Poppy.”

“No, it’s not.” I pulled my arm free, closing my hands into fists before I picked something up and threw it. “He’s not the damn point!”

Shock flickered over his face.

I made an effort to lower my voice. “This whole stupid thing is the point. The fact that I can’t do anything is the point. That I can’t have one night to do something normal and fun and enjoyable. That I can’t experience anything without being warned to remember what I am. That every privilege you have, and Tawny has, and everyone else has, I don’t have.” My voice cracked as the back of my throat started to burn. “I have nothing.”

His expression softened. “Poppy—”

“No.” I took a step back, his features blurring. “You don’t understand. I can’t celebrate my birthdays because that’s ungodly. I’m not allowed to go to picnics at the Grove or to supper with others because I’m the Maiden. I’m not allowed to defend myself because that would be unseemly. I don’t even know how to ride a horse. Nearly every book is forbidden to me. I can’t socialize or make friends because my sole purpose is to serve the kingdom by going to the gods—something no one will even explain. What does that actually mean?”

Breathing heavily, I tried to rein my emotions back in, but I couldn’t. Something in me snapped, broke wide-open, and I couldn’t stop. “I don’t even know if I’ll have a future beyond my Ascension. In less than a year or even sooner, I may lose every chance I have to do everything everyone else takes for granted. I have no life, Vikter. Nothing.”

“Poppy,” he whispered.

“Everything has been taken from me—my free will, my choice, my future—and I still have to suffer through the Duke’s lessons,” I spat out, shuddering. “I still have to stand there and let him hit me. Let him look at me and touch me! Do whatever he or the Lord wants—” Sucking in a fiery, painful breath, I lifted my hands, grabbing fistfuls of my hair, pulling them back as Vikter closed his eyes. “I have to stand there and take it. I can’t even scream or cry. I can do nothing. So I’m sorry that choosing something that I want for myself is such a disappointment to you, the kingdom, everyone else, and the gods. Where is the honor in being the Maiden? What exactly should I be proud of? Who would want this? Point me in their direction, and I’ll gladly switch places with them. It should be no shock that I want to be found unworthy.”

The moment those words left my mouth, I smacked my hands over my lips. Vikter’s eyes snapped open, and for a long moment, we stared at one another, the truth a double-edged sword between us.

“Poppy.” Vikter looked around and then reached for me. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

I danced out of his reach, curling my fingers against my mouth. It wasn’t fine. It wasn’t going to be all right. I’d said it. The truth. Out loud. Heart thumping and stomach churning, I turned and started walking toward the castle. I thought I might be sick. “I want to go back to my chambers,” I whispered, lowering my hands. Vikter started to speak. “Please. I just want to go back to my room.”

He didn’t respond, thank the gods, but he followed directly behind me. All I could focus on was putting one foot in front of the other. If I didn’t, the angry, messy, and violent ball of emotion lodged in my throat would erupt. I would erupt. That was how I felt. I would explode everywhere in a shower of sparks and flames, and I didn’t care what I looked like when we entered the hall and moved into the light, or what people saw if they looked at me and realized that I was the Maiden. My entire body was trembling with the force to keep—

A loud, cracking sound reminding me of wood splintering