thousand times, but you need challenges bigger than Baked Alaskas. Julia’s flying the nest this year. Why don’t you think about going back to work?’
Short pause. ‘One, there’s a recession on and people are firing, not hiring. Two, I’m a morbid housewife. Three, I don’t live near London, I live in darkest Worcestershire, and opportunities are thinner on the ground. Four, I haven’t worked since Jason was born.’
‘So what if your maternity leave went on for thirteen years longer than planned?’
Mum did that single laugh people who don’t want to laugh do.
‘Even Daddy used to boast about your designs to his golf club cronies. All I ever heard was Helena this, Helena that.’
‘All I ever heard was Alice this, Alice that.’
‘Well, that was Daddy all over, wasn’t it? Come on. Show me where you’re thinking of putting that rockery…’
I flushed the bog and sprayed the air freshener, holding my breath. Alpine Fresh Haze is a sicky smell.
Dad’s Rover 3500 lives in one garage, but Mum usually parks her Datsun Cherry on the drive, so the second garage is spare. The bikes live along one wall. Dad’s tools live in neat racks above his workbench. Potatoes live in a bottomless sack. The spare garage is sheltered, even on blowy days like today. Dad smokes in there, so there’s often a whiff of cigarettes. I even like the oil stains on the concrete floor.
The best thing’s the dart board, mind. Darts is ace. I love the thud as the spike sinks into the board. I love tugging the darts out. When I invited Hugo for a game, he said, ‘Sure.’ But then Nigel said he’d come too. Dad said, ‘Brilliant idea,’ so the three of us were in the garage playing Round-the-Clock. (Aim at 1 till you get a 1, then a 2 till you get a 2, then a 3, and so on. First to 20 wins.)
We threw one dart each to see who’d go first.
Hugo got 18, I got 10, Nigel got 4.
‘So,’ Nigel asked me as his brother got a 1 with his first dart, ‘have you read The Lord of the Rings?’
‘No,’ Maggot lied, so Hugo didn’t think I was being pally.
Hugo missed 2 with his next dart, but got it with his third.
Nigel told me, ‘It’s epic.’
Hugo got the three darts and passed them to me. ‘Nigel, nobody says “epic” any more.’
(I tried to remember if I’d said it since the Lambs came.)
I missed 1 with my first two darts, but got it with my third.
‘Nice throw,’ said Hugo.
‘We had to do The Hobbit at school,’ Nigel got the darts, ‘but The Hobbit’s basically just a fairy tale.’
‘I tried The Lord of the Rings,’ Hugo said, ‘but it’s laughable. Everyone’s called Gondogorn or Sarulon and runs about saying, “These woods’ll be swarming with orcs by nightfall.” And as for that Sam, and his “Oh, Master Frodo, what a bootiful dagger you’ve got” – well! They shouldn’t let that sort of homo-erotic porn near children. Maybe that’s the appeal, Nigel?’
Nigel missed the board and his dart bounced off the brick.
Hugo sighed. ‘Do be careful, Nigel. You’re blunting Jace’s darts.’
I should’ve said ‘It doesn’t matter’ to Nigel. Maggot didn’t.
Nigel’s second dart hit the outside rim of the board. A miss.
‘Did you know, Jace,’ said Hugo, casually, ‘it’s a scientific fact that homosexuals can’t throw straight?’
To my alarm, I realized Nigel was close to tears.
Hugo has a way of affecting other people’s luck.
Nigel’s third dart hit the rim of the board and pinged off. He snapped. ‘You’re always turning people against me!’ Red and furious. ‘I hate you, you bloody bastard!’
‘Not a nice word, Nigel. Do you know what a bastard is, or are you parroting your playmates in your chess club again?’
‘Yes I do, actually!’
‘Yes you know what a bastard is? Or yes you’re parroting your playmates?’
‘Yes I know what a bastard is and you’re one!’
‘So if I’m a bastard, you’re saying our mother shagged another man to conceive me, right? So you’re accusing her of playing away, are you?’
Tears brimmed in Nigel’s eyes.
This’d bring trouble crashing down, I knew it.
Hugo did an amused tut. ‘Dad won’t be best pleased to hear your accusation either. Look, why don’t you just run along and fiddle with your Rubik’s cube in a quiet corner somewhere? Jason and I will do our best to forget the whole business.’
‘Sorry about Nigel.’ Hugo got 3, a miss and 4. ‘Such a space cadet. He has to learn how to detect hints, and act on