I would be a mother in nine months, and Ethan a father again.
And right now I’m the only one in the entire world who knows.
The knowledge feels almost suffocating, combining with fear. How am I going to do this? Be a good mother and keep up with my studies?
But I dismiss that thought fairly easily. My studies could wait a few months if they had to—children couldn’t. And hadn’t I always wanted to have kids one day… Was it really so different, having them now or in five years’ time? A small, surprised glow of happiness starts to form inside me, living right alongside the fear and the panic. I’m going to be a mother.
I have to tell Ethan. That’s the first thing on my mind the next morning, as I try to formulate a strategy. Tell the child’s father, step one. Call my mom, step two. Find a place to live, step three.
Easy enough. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m eating breakfast and strategizing tactics for step one when my doorbell rings, which almost cuts off my air circulation. Has he beat me to it?
He has, because when I open the gate, who comes walking up with his back straight and face determined? No one but Ethan.
My hands start to shake, and uselessly, they flutter toward my still-flat stomach. I knot them tightly together.
“Hi,” Ethan says, his voice low. “Can I come in?”
“Yes, of course.” I push the door open further and he steps inside, standing strong and tall in the center of my hallway. Well, not my hallway much longer.
We stare at each other for a few moments.
“Well,” he says, his lip curling wryly. “We’ve really made a mess out of this, haven’t we?”
Relief so heady it nearly makes my knees buckle sweeps through me. He might not trust me, but he’s not coming here to tell me he never wants to see me again.
“Yes,” I say, “although it was of my making.”
“Yes, but I didn’t react the way I should’ve, either.” He pauses, frowning. “Bella, are you okay? You look tired.”
Great, thanks. I’ve just been having an existential crisis for the past fourteen hours. I wring my hangs and nod toward the couches in the living room. “Do you want to have a seat?”
Puzzled, Ethan follows my lead. The furrow in his brow is deeper than it’s ever been before. “Bella?”
“I have to tell you something. Something else.” I knot my hands together in my lap and pray to any and all gods listening for strength. For finding the right words. Because maybe, if I can just phrase this right…
“All right,” Ethan says. His voice is an ocean of caution. “Tell me.”
“I discovered something yesterday. And I know what you might think when you hear it, but your first assumption won’t be true, because I didn’t plan it at all.” My voice wavers twice, but so far my eyes are clear of tears. I can feel them waiting in the wings, though, ready for a cue only they know.
“What is it, Bella?”
I take a deep breath, fear roiling in my stomach. “I’m pregnant,” I say, and then my words trip over one another on their way out. “You see, I took this herbal sleeping aid all summer, and apparently it interfered with my birth control. I’ve Googled, and it’s well-known in the medical community, but I didn’t know, and I didn’t read the small print properly.”
Ethan has become a statue again, frozen marble, strong lines immortalized in stillness. He gives no impression that he’s going to speak soon, or perhaps ever again.
My hands feel sweaty. “I took the tests just yesterday. Four of them, actually. This is a complete surprise to me too. Ethan, I don’t want you to think… it wasn’t intentional.” That’s the cue, apparently, because my eyes well up of their own accord. Showtime!
It takes forever until he speaks, and in the silence, the faint hope I’d harbored weakens and sputters out entirely. His voice is weary.
“And I’m the father, I assume. Fucking hell, Bella, I didn’t want more kids, especially not now.”
“I know.” I’m nodding furiously. “It’s the worst possible timing, I know that. Same for me with school.”
He’s silent again, for so long that I have time to count to sixty twice. Wondering if I should keep explaining, if I can only make him see… But when he opens his mouth, I realize he’s just been gathering steam.