Big Man for Christmas - Penny Wylder Page 0,51

on her face. I feel sick.

My ring is in his hand. The one that I threw back at him that day. “Carley Farrell, will you marry me? I thought we could get married here, next year, under the fireworks.”

“Oh my goodness that will be perfect!” Jessica says.

I’m just staring at Tyler, and he’s staring at me.

I remember the good times that we had. Occasional tender moments and the passion that we started with. I don’t regret some parts of it. But I lost myself entirely while I was with him. I let him erase me, and for the first time in years, my head feels clear enough to take myself back.

The part of me that wants people to be happy wishes he had just waited until I could talk to him. I also know that what I’m about to do is the equivalent of throwing a grenade in between me and my mother. But I can’t do it. The thought of going back to that life makes me feel more trapped than I’ve ever felt in Elgin.

“No.”

The whole room gasps.

“What?” Tyler asks at the same time that my mother says it.

“No,” I make my voice louder and firmer. “No I will not marry you. Not now, not next year, not under the fireworks, not ever.”

Tyler blinks. Just stares at me. Like he can’t process what I’m saying. “But…I love you.”

“Do you?” I ask. “Because I don’t think you do. I was going to speak to you about this privately, but you brought it up, so now we’re going to have it out.”

He opens his mouth and I hold up a hand. “No. My turn. You say you love me, and yet you still haven’t apologized for it. You’ve said you’re sorry that you hurt me, and that you’re sorry that you didn’t come to your senses sooner. But you’ve never apologized for cheating on me for four years.

“That’s because you’re not actually sorry. I saw the look on your face when I confronted you, Tyler. You didn’t care. It served you, so it was fine. The only reason that you even realized you wanted me back is because of what I do for you. Your bosses mentioned that you were getting married, so you want to make sure it happens. I clean the apartment and cook for you, and you want me to keep doing that for you.

“But when I asked you what kind of changes you were willing to make in our relationship, you didn’t have an answer. You. The man who has had his entire career mapped out for over a decade. So no, I’m not going to marry you because all I am to you is a tool. And yes, you love that I am useful to you, but you don’t love me. And I don’t love you.

“I haven’t loved you for a long time.”

“Carley!” My mother hisses my name. “Stop it. Take all of that back right this instance. The man is on his knees for you.”

I look at her, finally feeling the power of my own words and desires. “Are you serious right now? You want me to marry him even after everything? Even after I just said that I don’t love him?”

“Yes,” she says. “I do.”

Rolling my eyes, I gesture to Tyler, who’s still frozen on the ground with the ring in his hand. “For God’s sake get up. Staying in that position isn’t going to make me change my mind, and it’s certainly not going to make you less of a bastard.”

“Hey,” Jessica snaps. “Language. My sons are here.”

I look at her coolly. Hopefully they’ll learn that you can’t use people and expect them to be okay with that. Or further, that no matter what their parents think, once their adults they can make their own decisions.

“Carley,” my father says softly. “Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.”

Without another word, my father gets up and leaves the table. I can’t imagine that he’s mad at me, but I don’t know where he’s going. My mother looks like steam is about to come out of her ears, and I couldn’t care less. God, this feels fucking good. Like shaking off the last of a really long sleep and finally finally being awake.

“But—” Tyler sputters, “but I came back. I left Andi. I want to marry you.”

“I know it may come as a shock because you’ve never been told no about anything in your life, including by me, but not