Big Man for Christmas - Penny Wylder Page 0,14

I stop, breathless with effort and frustration.

My eyes wander toward the window. This one faces the Bowman farm. His house isn’t quite visible, obscured by trees between here and there, but Casey is there. Alone. Possibly shirtless.

Fuck.

The past few years with Tyler, sex has dropped off. I had to work hard to get him excited, and I assumed that was due to work stress and the natural evolution of a long-term relationship. He initiated sex but he’d never taken initiative. He never went out of his way to make me feel sexy or loved.

Apparently, Casey thinks I’m sexy. I’m surer than ever that he was hard when we hugged. Just a simple hug. And though it was me who dragged us into the woods, Casey followed me willingly and took it further. He’d taken his time. He’d made sure it was amazing for me too.

That night was the last time I’d really done anything that…brazen. Or rather, the last time I’d done it successfully. When the sex with Tyler started to slow down, I bought some sexy lingerie and tried to lure him into the bedroom with it one night. He looked me up and down and said he wasn’t ready for bed, but that he’d be in shortly.

He apologized later, and we had good sex, but I never did that again. Tyler only wanted sex on his terms. Every time I initiated sex, he seemed grumpy and put out.

How had I never seen all these signs? Was I so starved for affection that I’d just been blinded to the fact that he wasn’t as invested in our relationship as I was?

Does Casey still make that noise when he comes?

As quietly as I can, I get out of bed and dress. No coveralls this time. Warm clothes—but actual clothes. I’m not about to do this in shapeless coveralls. My boots too. Hat and scarf.

The window slides open soundlessly, and I silently thank my mother for this. She makes sure that Dad keeps the house in top condition, and she hates squeaky windows. Though if she imagined what silent windows would be used for, she never said anything.

I’ve never sneaked out of the house before. That was all Jessica. I’m sure that people thought we both did it, but I was always too chicken.

That changes tonight.

It’s almost too easy. The roof of the porch is right outside the window, and swinging down to the railing is a breeze. I don’t think I would have thought it was easy in high school. I would have been terrified and nervous. Right now, I have nothing to lose and no fucks to give.

This time I don’t bother to head out to the road, I cut straight through our fields. A light snow is falling, and it’s dark with only the moon shining, but I know this route by heart. Casey was the literal boy next door. We played together in these fields and ran back and forth between our houses more than I can even remember.

More than one time, the cries of ‘Casey and Carley’ had been chanted at us on the playgrounds at school—usually started by Jessica. We disagreed.

Maybe we would have found our way to each other sooner if we hadn’t been teased about it. When we started seeing each other, we kept it secret, only meeting a few times behind the school to kiss until we were breathless. Neither of us wanted the attention that would come from actually being ‘Casey and Carley.’

When we left the fireworks together and headed into the woods, it felt like it was inevitable. Like the world had been guiding us toward that moment forever, and we just had to let it happen.

Tonight, walking to his house feels a little like that.

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m just tired and heartbroken and looking for someone to make me feel something, but I don’t really believe that.

That night was supposed to be the beginning of something. Not the end of it. But my misunderstanding and his embarrassment had cut it short. What would our lives have looked like if that hadn’t happened? Would I still have left for college? Would I still have met Tyler and fallen in love anyway? Or would Casey and I have found happiness here in Elgin? Somewhere else?

All those what-ifs are crowding in my brain. And the only thing that will soothe them is seeing him again. That and the fact that I want him. Deeply and desperately. I need to feel him