Between the Lives - By Jessica Shirvington Page 0,89
her knees beside me, clutching my hands.
‘I’m sorry, Sabine. The cancer had spread into his bones and lungs. Ethan passed away on Monday in his bed. The doctors said it was remarkably peaceful, no sign of any pain. They said his body held on for longer than anyone had expected, longer than anyone believed possible, but in the end it just shut down.’ I watched the tears streaming down Levi’s face. Denise was crying too.
I couldn’t breathe.
All his words played back. All the things I’d been too blind to see. Too selfish.
Not me.
I like the idea that there’s more to life. You know, we go on.
There are things I want to tell you, things you need to know.
I was sure I’d never have this.
God forgive me, but … I love you.
Not me.
I didn’t realise I was the one making the awful keening noise, thrashing about. I felt so removed from everything – as if I was watching it all unfold from some distant hell as my heart broke into pieces that would never be mended. But it was me and the needles came and went. Eventually the screaming stopped and my eyes were forced to close, two words repeating over and over in my tortured mind.
Not him.
Not him.
Not him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
I was in my hospital bed, suddenly awake, holding Ryan’s hand. He was staring at me questioningly.
‘Sabine? You okay? Your face … You looked so happy and now …’ He glanced over his shoulder. ‘Are you okay? Did you see something?’
It came to me straight away – no blissful moments of reprieve that everyone always talks about, no split-second where he was still alive until I remembered. But the feelings came more slowly, taking what seemed like an excruciatingly long time to envelop my confused mind. Somehow I knew they’d always be with me, always be strangling me from the inside out.
‘Sabine?’ Ryan said again.
Everything meant nothing.
I let go of Ryan’s hand. ‘I’m going to get some sleep, Ryan. It might be best if you go.’
I didn’t wait for his response, just rolled over, wishing that the drugs they were pumping into me could help with the most horrible pain imaginable.
In the morning people came and went, but I was numb. Mom and Dad visited. I didn’t move from my curled-up position all day, and into the night. The doctors assumed it was a reaction to what Dex had done. I let them.
None of it mattered. He was gone.
I drifted in and out of sleep. Eventually I must have Shifted because the next time I woke up, I was groggy and coming to, back in my room at the clinic.
Mom was sitting in the armchair. It must have been late in the day.
Tears were streaming down my face before I’d even opened my eyes. I wondered if I’d cried all through the sedation.
‘Sabine? Denise called me. She … she told me about the young man who worked here and passed away. She said he’d helped you and that you’d become close. We used to see Ethan at the store; he was always very nice. I’m sorry, Sabine.’
I was a void. On some level I wanted to be angry with Mom, to blame her and Dad for doing this to me. I wanted to lash out and tell everyone that he didn’t just help me. That he loved me, and I loved him. But it was useless. The thing I wanted most, I would never have.
Finally Mom left me, patting my hand like I was some lame animal, telling me she’d be back soon. Once I was sure I was alone, I pushed the armchair up against my door and dug underneath my mattress, pulling out the bag of supplies I’d taken from the drugstore. I emptied the contents onto my bed.
I was determined to get back at him. Just when I thought he hadn’t been playing tricks on me, he’d proved me wrong. There I’d been in his arms, committing to a life I’d thought would be with him, and all the while he’d been saying goodbye to his own life.
Shit.
‘Damn you, Ethan. How could you leave me? How could you make me want to stay and then … just leave me behind!’
My hands shook as I picked up the first box of pills and popped the contents onto the bed. It would be so easy to take them and then start screaming again. The doctors would come back in and put me under. With any luck I’d never wake up