Kai waited once we had left the hospital and were safe in the back of the SUV before he brought it up again.
“Did you not want to go to Vancouver?”
Did I?
I frowned. “I don’t know, actually.”
He rested his head back, watching me. “We can go wherever you want. Just… I’m going with you. That’s the only stipulation.” His eyes darkened. They were fierce. “I tried walking from you once. It nearly killed me. I won’t be doing it again, so that’s out of the question.”
His words warmed me.
He took my hand, and I gazed down at our joined fingers on my lap. I felt a tear falling.
“I was going to Montana.” I told him everything. “It wasn’t too far over the border. Blade and Carol were going to meet me there, and after the fireworks settled, they were going to reach back out to the Network. They were going to try to work with them again, just from where we were. That was a few years down the road. We all thought it’d take that long. There was a cabin on a lake. I had enough cash with me to buy it, and we had the papers all ready. I was never going to let you know about her.”
His hand spasmed against mine, but unlike the last few days, I held him tight. He tried to withdraw, but I clamped down and made sure he was meeting my gaze. I wanted him to see inside of me.
“I love you too.”
His eyes turned sad.
I knew why.
“I started that first night when you slept with me in the same bed, even though you knew I wanted to kill you. Then I did try, and you caught my knife, but you did nothing. I fell a little more. Then you called me ‘slicer.’ Then I found out you won’t let your family fly because you love them that much, and how you know it’s ridiculous, but you don’t care…”
I went down the list. It was long, but I told him every moment he’d taken a piece of my wall away.
“You gave me the bigger room at the hotel. You let me run from you at the warehouse, but I knew I was safe, even if you caught me. Part of me wanted you to catch me. When you let Blade go. How I knew, no matter what, that you would protect me.”
My voice dropped to a whisper. “You made me feel special, and loved, and beautiful, and you did all of it without saying a word. There were no proclamations. I just knew. I felt it. It was everything I never felt growing up. You knew me before I realized it. Coming into my life, shattering my walls, taking me, and making me a different woman—you challenged me. You still challenge me. Your life, what you do, you’re as captive to it as your siblings are. You’re a prisoner to your own last name.”
My heart started to beat harder. It hurt. There was something I needed to know. It hurt to say it, but I had to know.
I held his hand tight and never looked away, the importance of this question pressing heavily against my chest. “If you’d found out about her, would you have let me stay away? Or would you have come to get us?”
He didn’t answer, just held my gaze.
A wall slid away from him. I hadn’t even known it was there. He had been letting me see him this whole time, but that wall, it was his last one. I saw the love shining back. It was overwhelming, and I was stunned by it.
I had known, but I hadn’t known how much.
Then a shadow crossed his face, and I ached.
He ran his thumb over over my knuckles. “I know the romantic answer here is that I would’ve come for you no matter what, but that’s not the truth. You were leaving to give our child a life away from this world, so no, I would’ve let you live your life there.”
I turned away, a bittersweetness filling me.
He shifted, his hand catching my chin and turning me to him again.
“But I would’ve watched you,” he said fiercely. “You’re right. I am a prisoner to this life so I would’ve watched you from the other side. And I would’ve loved you from afar. I would’ve done anything in my power to make sure you and our daughter had the life you wanted. It hurt so much when