“His books are about the intersection of fear and trauma,” I say, “so maybe it was research.”
“You think Brennan Llewellyn would kidnap someone for research? All Ted ever talks about is how sterile Brennan’s methods are. Which we both know means they’re legitimate.”
“Okay,” I concede. “But Ted also talks about how Brennan used to be much bolder with his work. That’s why Ted thinks he’s such a fraud now. Such a sellout. So maybe Brennan got tired of playing by the supposed rules—the same rules that he and Ted used to mock together. Maybe he reverted to his old ways, tried something similar to his woman-stalking experiment from grad school—”
“Wait. Woman-stalking experiment?”
“Yeah, he and Ted would follow these women home from the library, pretending to be stalkers or whatever.”
Eric blinks at me. Shakes his head.
“So maybe it started as something like that,” I continue, “only he took it too far and things spun out of control and he ended up not being able to use the research, because… you know, it would implicate him in a crime. A felony. But—but you heard Ted—Brennan’s books have been regurgitating the same ideas, over and over. He must be desperate for new ways to spin it. And maybe now he’s trying, again, to get new material—with Astrid.”
“But, Bird,” Eric says. “That doesn’t make sense. It’s still as much of a felony now as it was in 2000.”
I scratch because I don’t have the words to explain it yet. But something about this feels right. It fits.
Eric takes my silence for doubt. “You can’t kidnap someone,” he tries, “because you need research for a book. Who would publish something like that?”
I ignore Eric’s rationalizations. A logical mind like his could never see the sense in this. You need a mind like mine.
“It would explain why I, of all people, was taken,” I say. “Because Ted’s always taking jabs at Brennan’s career, even in person. So maybe Brennan was trying to—I don’t know—to stick it to him or something, by taking his daughter, making Ted go crazy thinking I was missing. Only Ted didn’t go crazy, as we know, because he barely noticed I was gone.”
“Fern.”
“Or maybe it was because he had easy access to me, staying at our house like he did. Think about it—I was put in the basement at the end of Astrid’s second week. Brennan stayed with us for two weeks. Maybe he took me with him when he left. Maybe I even went without a fight because I didn’t see him as a threat. Though, why he took Astrid, too—and first—I’m still not sure…”
“Fern.”
“What?”
“You’re spiraling.”
I shake my head, but he nods, and it’s like the two motions cancel each other out. Like neither of us is moving at all.
“You are,” he says. “And it’s even more of a reason to come back home. You could see Dr. Lockwood, talk this all out with her. She can help you, Bird. You’ve been—” He presses his lips together. Swallows. “You’ve been traumatized. And you’ve been carrying that trauma, without even knowing it, for a very long time.” He crosses his arms, looks off to the side. “Fucking Ted.”
I shake my head again, so hard that everything blurs. Dr. Lockwood isn’t the answer this time. She never lets me trust the leaps my mind is able to make.
When you picture the man in the mask, I imagine her saying, does he look like Brennan? Look at his body type, Fern, the way he carries himself—is it similar to the man you know?
Brennan carries himself like he’s always on the verge of being photographed. His chin is often tilted toward the ceiling. But the kidnapper—he’s just a man, indistinct as anyone would be in a mask. There’s nothing familiar about him at all.
Doesn’t that tell you something then? Dr. Lockwood would press. Even in my head, her voice is gentle. Looking back, wouldn’t you be able to see if it were him? Or at least if it might be?
Yes, and it might be. That’s what I’m trying to say. It’s just—with the mask and waders, it’s so hard to know for sure.
So you can’t be sure, then, that it is him.
I guess I can’t. I guess it could be someone else. But there’s no comfort in that thought. If it isn’t Brennan, then there’s no guarantee that the person who took Astrid will ever bring her back.