Been There Done That (Leffersbee #1) - Hope Ellis Page 0,97
I could still go to school with you in the fall. But—” My voice broke and I paused to gather myself. “But she was my mother. And I couldn’t leave her. No matter what anyone said. Even if she’d become a master at lying to me and manipulating me. She was my mother.”
I released a breath. God, this was hard. But it was also a relief. Carrying this secret for twelve years had taken so much from me, from her.
From our future.
“More than that, there was also the issue of the Iron Wraiths. Sure, Sheriff James had saved my ass in the short term. But doing what I’d done, wrecking the bikes of the most dangerous gang in the state . . . I couldn’t escape those repercussions. While Sheriff James was throwing me in the back of his car, I heard one of them yelling, ‘Next time we see your face, that girl of yours is going to pay for what you did.’”
I closed my eyes, sickened by the memory, sickened by the terror and helplessness I’d felt that night. “And if there’s one thing we know about the Iron Wraiths, it’s that they don’t make idle threats. Remember that girl that just ‘disappeared’ that summer? And that kid who was beat up by his own father and his father’s friends after going to the Sheriff’s Department for help? I knew they would hurt you to teach me a lesson.” Words failed me. I realized I was gripping her hand too tightly and moderated my hold. “I couldn’t let my rash actions, my irresponsibility, be the cause of you being hurt by them. I’d have gladly given myself over to be tortured before I let them harm one hair on your head. They knew hurting you would be the one thing I wouldn’t survive. So, I knew I had to get away, for your safety, that same night.”
She shook her head vehemently, her face frozen in horror. “They wouldn’t have done anything to you, or me. My father—”
“Your father thought the same thing, and Sheriff James had to talk some sense into him.
In addition to believing people should ‘stay out of grown folks’ business,’ your father also suffered from a healthy dose of ‘I wish a motherfucker would’ and felt pretty confident that he could protect the both of us from any threat. But Sheriff James finally got him to understand it didn’t matter how much money he had at his disposal. He wouldn’t have been able to protect the both of us, not unless we were all handcuffed together under constant guard. It was a mess—a mess I created—and the only thing that would keep you safe from harm was making it clear to the whole town that I’d left. All we could do was hope that would be enough. Fortunately, it was. But I knew I couldn’t show up in town again, not for a long while.”
She seemed to be in shock as she sat still and unmoving. Her voice, when she spoke again, was a dulled monotone. “So, that’s why you left the note saying you’d be back, and never left any word? You didn’t think I’d be perfectly willing to find you wherever you were?”
I took a deep breath, unable to look away from her face. “That leads me to my next problem: making sure I did right by you. I couldn’t hold you back. I refused to. You so badly needed to leave. All you’d ever wanted was space and breathing room from all your family’s expectations. An opportunity to think differently, freedom to consider a different path. Room to grow according to your own desires.”
“All I wanted was you. I would have—”
I pointed at her with my free hand. “Exactly. I know you. Even back then, you were always trying to help people, fix people. Be what you thought everyone else needed. I couldn’t bear to see that happen to us. For me to look at you, and not see myself in your eyes anymore. Not as your man, but as your project. Your fix-it mission.”
“I never—”
“Zora, it’s who you are even now. I’m not knocking it. I think you, and the work you do, it’s amazing. But even now, you deny yourself what you really want, and you don’t even stop to question what that might be. You always put other’s needs, their pain, before your own. And I didn’t want to be a part of that.”