The Beauty of Darkness - Mary E. Pearson Page 0,162
own with Vendan secrets.
As the days passed, meetings ran long, and tensions ran high, I realized most of the outbursts were not about pride as much as dawning realization of the monumental fight ahead of us—they fully grasped it, including General Howland—and everyone searched for answers that were not easy to find. How does an army of thirty thousand, still scattered across the kingdom, take on one that is a hundred and twenty thousand strong and armed with far deadlier weapons? But we kept trying to find an answer.
When we pulled out maps and unrolled them across the table, I tried to read the Komizar’s mind. I looked at the roads, the hills, the valleys, and walls surrounding Civica. The lines and landmarks blurred, and something faint tapped beneath my breastbone.
The details of our meetings whirled constantly in my mind. It was hard to block out the noise, but I knew I needed to use other strengths as well, a knowing that would help guide us because my doubts about all our strategies were growing, and each day wrung tighter with worry about my brothers and their squads.
I threw open my window, the cool night air shivering over my face, and I prayed, to one god or four, I wasn’t sure. There was so much I didn’t know, but I knew I couldn’t bear losing two more brothers.
There had been no word, but Rafe had already told me there would be none. They would either come or they wouldn’t. I had to hope and trust that the message had gotten there in time. Bring them home, I begged the gods. And then I called to my brothers, just as Walther’s words had reached out to me. Be careful, my brothers. Be careful.
I stared out over Civica, the eventide remembrances quieting, a thin song still clinging to the air. So shall it be for evermore. For evermore. A city dark except for golden flickering windows watching over the night.
Peace settling in, meals being prepared, chimneys billowing.
But then the peace was disturbed.
Sounds crawled up my spine.
Sounds that weren’t from the world outside my window.
The crunch of stone.
The hiss of steam.
A keening howl.
Fervor, Jezelia, fervor.
My heart sped. I felt the Komizar’s breath on my neck, his finger tracing the kavah on my shoulder. I saw his onyx eyes in the darkness and the smile behind them.
“Shall I walk with you?”
I jumped and whirled.
Aunt Cloris poked her head into my chamber, her question a reminder not to be late.
I smiled, trying to mask my alarm. While my aunt had tolerated the complete lack of protocol on every level with surprising grace, I saw the signs of her impatience returning. She wanted things to go back to the way they were before. I couldn’t promise that but I could give her tonight.
“I’ll be along,” I said. She left as quietly as she came, and I shut the window, returning to my dressing table. With only one hand, there would be no fancy braids tonight—not that I was ever particularly skilled at braids even with two hands. But I had become skilled at using a sword and knife with either one.
When the physician checked and rebandaged my hand today, I got a good look at it for the first time. The wound itself, except for the three small stitches on either side, was barely visible but my hand was still swollen. It looked like a blue-veined glove stuffed with fat sausages and felt just as foreign and numb. Something inside had cracked or torn—probably when I shoved the bolt loose to kill Malich. The physician was dismayed by the continued swelling and said it was essential that I keep it elevated on pillows at night and he crafted a sling for me to wear by day. When I asked about the numbness, he only said, “We’ll see.”
I set aside my brush and looked in my mirror. My hair trailed loosely over my shoulders. On the outside I mostly looked as I had before, perhaps a little gaunt, but on the inside, nothing was the same. It would never be the same again.
He’s betrothed.
The thought came unexpectedly, like a sudden gust of wind. A mountain of demands had blocked it out, but now a single unhurried moment had let it back in.
I jumped up from my dressing table, adjusting my belt, my sling, sheathing my knife at my side, learning to do with one hand what I had always done with two.