off, swallowing as if he’s willing all the terrible things he’s seen and done back into a corner of his mind that he never has to face.
I turn in my seat, reaching out to set my hand on his thigh. “And you will tell me someday, but you know me. I’m tough and resilient. Your dad won’t break me. He can’t.”
The look Johnny throws my way says he believes otherwise, but I know what I’m made of. You don’t do what I’ve done to cower at someone’s feet when the time comes.
“Listen,” I try again. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you, so don’t worry about me during the meeting. I’m not saying a thing unless he asks me something directly.” Which actually works for me anyway, considering every time I’m in his presence, I want to gouge his eyes out...or my own.
Being around my guys is easier now that I don’t have to hide my distaste of Big Daddy K. Not that I’m going to up and tell Johnny I plan on murdering his father soon, but I also don’t have to watch everything I say. It’s completely normal to hate your boyfriend’s abusive father. I shudder to think about what he’s had to endure his whole life.
Fuck abusers. All they do is start a long line of abuse—mentally and physically. I’m not saying everyone learns the behavior, but it can be learned, and it does perpetuate. Take Johnny, he struggles with it. I now understand his reaction when he threw me against the wall outside the clothing shop. No, it doesn’t make what he did right. It never will. I’m just saying I understand where he got it, and I can see the connections in his mind that he’s made that he can be better than that. He is better than that.
The block the tower sits on looms ahead. As we get closer, I tilt my head to gaze up at the building. Despite the fact that I know I was in this vibrating building the other day, it looks fine. No cracks in the exterior. No missing walls or crumbled rock on the sidewalks. It withstood a fucking bomb.
“I’m positive it’s safe to head back inside,” Johnny says, noticing my stare. “I would never bring you back if I thought differently.”
“I know,” I reassure him. “I’m just shocked the building can withstand what they threw at us.”
“It was made that way. Plus, they were amateur bombs. The noise of the explosion was worse than the damage, and they didn’t even add the charges in the correct places for maximum damage.” I lift my brows at him. When I don’t immediately respond to him, he looks over at me and grins. “What?”
“You know a lot about this.”
“I may have blown up a building or two in my time.” He snickers, and a flash of cruel delight simmers in his gaze. “I even set the school science lab on fire once.”
I laugh, the sound bursting from my chest like I can’t contain it. The sound surprises me, which only makes me laugh harder. First of all, I can barely think of Johnny Rocket in a classroom setting. It seems too lowly for him. Did he sit through lectures dressed in his suit pants and tie? Second, just the fact that he set fire to the school has me rolling.
“To be fair, it was an accident the first time.”
I shake my head at him. “I bet the administrators were happy to get rid of you.”
“Except I keep showing back up.”
My gut clenches as I think of Johnny with the school secretary. He was a little playboy, wasn’t he? Unrepentant, took what he wanted, and gloated about it.
The guard at the station waves us under the building and into the parking garage. While Johnny parks, I ruminate over how far he’s come. At the same time, I’ve gone in the opposite direction. I’ve backslid. Do I even have morals anymore? Did I check them at the city limits of Rawley Heights, only to get them back when I leave this town? Maybe. Hopefully….
Then again, I never claimed to be a good person. I came here to murder someone. In that way, Johnny and I are the same. We act for our own happiness, regardless of how bad those actions might be.
Now, though, the deeper the guys imbed into my life, I like to think I’m acting with all of them in mind. I just hope Johnny sees that