so beautiful that he felt that tightening in his chest again, that vise constricting his ribs. Or maybe the pressure was coming from the inside, because his heart felt as if it was swelling, its beat banging hard against his bones.
Tess's brows drew together. "Are you all right? Are you feeling sick now?" Her face showing clear concern, she came toward him and put her arm around his waist. "Come sit down."
Put yet another black mark on his side of the record books because he didn't tell her it wasn't the flu that was affecting him. Instead, he slid his arm around her shoulders and made sure she sat beside him on the sofa. But there was still worry in her eyes when she turned to him. "David, is there something wrong with your health? Is that what you've been keeping from me?"
"No, no." He drew her hand to his mouth and kissed it. "It's not about me."
Her fingers tightened on his as her eyes searched his face. "You're lying to me. That's why you've been exercising. That's why - "
"Tess, it's not my health. It's...everything. Rebecca growing up. All the kids moving out into the world where things...things can happen to them. I've tried to separate from all of you because of how much that could hurt me."
She shook her head. "What kind of things are you talking about?"
"What if we lost Russ?" Again, the words just burst out of him. They tasted bitter on his tongue, and he hated that he'd said them, as if they could pollute the air with the ugliness of the idea.
Tess's hand trembled in his. She sat back in the cushions, her other hand rising to her throat. "Why would you say such a thing?"
"The other Russ, my brother..."
Her gasp was loud in the room. Then his wife drew closer, her arms circling him. His arms closed around her. It felt so good. So right.
"My love," she said against his pounding heart. "Oh, my love."
Then she pulled back, relief written all over her face. "This is what it's about. Your little brother dying of leukemia. You're afraid to be hurt that way again."
"I loved him so much, Tess," he said, his voice hoarse. "I made promises and avoided cracks and took all my favorite toys and put them on his bed and he still didn't come home from the hospital."
"I'm so sorry," she said, pressing herself to him again.
He squeezed his eyes against the burn behind them. His hand cupped her head, and he pressed his mouth against her hair. It smelled of baby shampoo. "He was a good little kid. He never did anything wrong."
"And neither did you," his wife said.
His body gave him away. He stiffened as the horror of that morning came to him again. Panic flushed through his blood at the memory, and he sharply inhaled as if it might be the last oxygen his lungs would ever take in.
Tess moved back, wary once more.
"I need to tell you...I did do something wrong," he said, feeling as if each word was pulled from his throat. "On the morning of my fortieth birthday."
She swallowed. "I was out shopping for the party we were throwing that night. You took the kids to the park."
"The Gordon kids from next door wanted to come with us. All three of them and their bikes. No, the oldest had his skateboard."
"Rebecca was still at her friend Marcy's..."
"Right. And as we were getting ready to head out, the Gordons' cousins showed up, so I said I'd take them too."
"So you had - what? - eight kids with you?"
David, knowing he would never be the same in her eyes, shook his head. "Seven. I left one behind, sitting in his stroller on the sidewalk in front of our house. I left Russ."
She shot back on the cushions until she was pressed against the sofa's arm. "But you turned back...you remembered...."
He was still shaking his head. "We'd been gone fifteen or so minutes when Mac Kearney from across the street called my cell. Mary Hampton - from the PTA? - was at the park, and I asked her to watch my pack until I got back. I ran, Tess, God, I ran as fast as I could, and it was then that I realized what those stupid fifteen flabby pounds might cost me."
"Surely Mac..."
He nodded now. "He stayed with Russ, but I wasn't going to be able to breathe again until I could see our baby."