“Well, the one on Hillspoint sold for six,” someone will chip in.
“But that has water views,” another will add.
“Only if you’re standing on tiptoe on the roof,” Daniel will say, and they all laugh.
“You know the developer bought that for three? What do you think that cost, Daniel? Three fifty a foot?”
“Maybe four,” Daniel will say with a shrug. “The finishes are good.”
How will he face these people, these men who drink beer, love sports, drive Escalades and Wrangler Jeeps? How will he ever be able to show his face in this town again once they find out he’s gay?
And they will find out. In a small town such as this, dramas don’t happen too often, and when they do, everyone wants to know everything. He knows of several divorces already, husbands leaving wives for the babysitters or secretaries, but this? A husband or wife leaving because they’ve come out of the closet? He doesn’t know anyone in Westport who has gone through this.
He can’t run away, can’t move to another area, start afresh. He can’t stray from his girls, because, whatever happens, he is determined to be in their lives almost as much as he is now.
Those nights he lies awake in bed, he fantasizes about his perfect life. He sees himself in a condo, maybe in one of those cool loft-like developments in South Norwalk. Or in a small house by the beach, maybe on Mill Cove, although there are no cars allowed on the tiny island and it must be a nightmare to get groceries up there in winter when it’s snowing.
But imagine how the girls would love a house on the beach! Imagine waking up, throwing open the doors in your living room and stepping out onto sand! Imagine turning over in bed and seeing the person you love, being able to reach out and stroke his arm, smiling to yourself as he sleeps, tracing the outline of his hard, smooth chest.
These are the fantasies Daniel has suppressed his whole life. The fantasies that have been chasing him for years, trying to sneak their way in, only ever able to hit a home run when he is asleep, when his subconscious welcomes them, when he wakes up unbearably turned on, having dreamed he was with a man. Always with a man. Just a dream, he would tell himself, guilt and shame hitting at the same time as the memory of the dream. Doesn’t mean anything.
Except now he knows it does.
They are off to Nantucket in two weeks. The house they looked at when they were there for the weekend was just as lovely as it appeared in the pictures: a gray shingled cottage overlooking both Lake Quidnet and the bay, and Bee was so excited, the realtor so enthusiastic, Daniel found, despite the dread, he couldn’t say no.
There was something magical about Nantucket, Bee’s father was right, and while Daniel was there, strolling through the village with Bee, he had started to relax, to think that perhaps things would be okay, perhaps they would find a way through the mess that had become their marriage, for they were still friends. Best friends.
And now it is done. The check for the holiday—a small fortune, but worth it, Bee had said—was sent last week, the contracts had been signed, and a series of e-mails between the landlords and Bee were still flying back and forth.
Try to do your shopping off-island, they had recommended— far cheaper! They sent instructions as to how to get the oversand permits if they were driving a car that could go on the beach. Bring your own beach towels, they reminded her.
Getting out of it isn’t an option, but how can he go to Nantucket for what he knows Bee is hoping will reinvigorate the romance in their life, given what he has finally been able to admit to himself?
Just last night Bee put down the magazine she was reading in bed and turned to him with a smile.
“I feel really good about this summer,” she said, putting out a hand and taking his, squeezing it with affection. “I think it’s a new start for us. Thank you for taking this house, for doing something that I know you weren’t sure about, but that I truly believe will make us happy.”
Daniel nodded mutely, swallowing the lump of fear in his throat.
“Wasn’t it wonderful, being in Nantucket that weekend?” Bee snuggled into him and as a reflex Daniel put his arm around her.