The Battered Heiress Blues - By Laurie Van Dermark Page 0,9
real charm with huge verandas on both levels. The rocking chairs on them were inviting, but no one had time to sit a spell on this day with tasks to accomplish before the service. Florists were delivering peace lilies and white roses. Catering trucks cluttered the circular driveway making it impossible to park at any close distance to the house. Tables and chairs were being unloaded and brought inside.
The car came to a stop and I paused, reluctant to open the door. Henry gave my hand a squeeze, signaling his support. I tried to smile in return.
“What is all this? I thought we were having a quiet, private ceremony for the family?”
“I told your father about your wishes, but you know how he is. I’m sorry.”
He exited the car and stood stoically, looking around at all the commotion. Shaking his head in disapproval, he walked around to help me out.
“Why don’t you rest for awhile? I’ll take you upstairs.”
“No. I’m going to the chapel. -Alone…to pray. I’ll be back. How much time do I have before people start showing up?”
“Two hours. No more. You’ll need time to get a shower. I had my assistant buy a simple black dress and heels. I hope they’ll be okay. They should be upstairs in your room. Are you sure you want to go alone? I can sit with you.”
“No. I’m sure Tommy will be there preparing for the Mass. Don’t worry.”
“-Easier said.”
I gave him a hug and my best look of having it together before walking toward the path that led to the small white chapel. Someone had tied ropes of white roses around the tree trunks that lined the path. The gesture wasn’t charming or sweet- just weird. This was a funeral- not a wedding. There would be no happiness today. If I could have tinted them all black to match my mood, I would have done it. The chapel doors were open and I could see the tiny casket sitting below the altar. Unlit candelabras were at the end of each pew, along with those ridiculous flowers. Sprays of floral arrangements with cards attached filled every available space.
Connor was alone and I was thankful. Stepping in the doorway, I closed it shut behind me. My feet ran forward, stopping the instant my hands found the wood. I tried lifting it to see if I had the strength to carry it over to the first pew. I did. The muscles in my abdomen silently screamed in pain, echoing the noises in my mind. Sitting back slowly, I rested him on my lap. The tears that had disappeared over the last week, returned in full force. I couldn’t look at the casket and think of him in there. I just imagined that I was holding my son as I did in that hospital room, fixing my eyes on the cross ahead. We sat together for some time before I heard the chapel door squeak open. Unable to bring myself to look back, I suddenly felt ashamed for having taken Connor from the stand. People wouldn’t understand me holding him like this. I wasn’t sure I cared.
“Hi.” My brother knelt down beside me trying to ascertain my mood, placing his hands upon mine.
“Hi.” I was happy to have Tommy with me. He and I had been inseparable since childhood. The loss of a mother and alienation of a father made us cling to each other as if becoming our own life raft. Tears silently paraded down my face and he reached up to wipe them away.
“I love you…so much. I’m so sorry for all this.”
“I can’t do this, Tommy.” My panicked eyes found his.
“You can. For him, you can. You’re the strongest person I know.”
“Stubborn and strong are two different things. It’s not supposed to end like this. I had plans for us. We had a future.”
“You still do, Julia. You just can’t see it now. God will…”
“Don’t start with the God crap.” He pushed the wrong button. I wouldn’t stomach his allegiance to any deity that would take my baby. “Where was your God, Tommy…the one you pray to every night? -The one who you asked to protect us during your nightly prayers. He doesn’t exist. A good God would never have let this happen. Please…” My head lowered in defeat.
“I’m sorry. Can I just sit with you?”
I shook my head in agreement; embarrassed for the tongue lashing I had given him. His intentions were honorable, but I still didn’t want to hear