Babyville Page 0,23

herself against the cold January air. Julia hasn't been for a walk for ages. She used to walk a lot, when she was single, and had time.

She walked up to the Heath, running up the concrete steps before she hit the wide open spaces, the children's paddling pool now empty for winter, the running track with a few lone runners. It was good to be outside in the fresh air. Good that her nose was turning red with cold, that she had to bundle her hands down deep in her coat to try and keep them warm.

There was so much to think about, so many thoughts to process, that it was actually easier to think of nothing at all. She walked, and walked, and walked.

A few lone dog walkers had also braved the freezing weather. She did a full circle, then sat down outside a cafe for a while, warming her hands around a mug of steaming coffee, occasionally exchanging the odd word or two about the weather with a passing dog walker.

Just as she was about to leave, a woman turned up with two children. One of them a girl, about three years old, the other a little boy, not more than eighteen months, toddling around the table. The little girl was beautiful. Dark hair, big brown eyes, eyelashes that could have picked you up and carried you away. She was tiny, so tiny and doll-like, with the sweetest smile. Julia couldn't tear her eyes away.

“No, Katie,” the mother reprimanded, as Katie crouched down to pick up someone's half-eaten Crunchie. “You mustn't eat that. It's rubbish,” and she picked it up gingerly and took it over to the dustbin while the little girl's face was crestfallen. “Here you are, lovely,” the mother soothed, reaching into her bag. “Here's your favorite. Yum yum yum. Organic rice cake.”

Julia watched them, a smile on her face, which the harassed mother returned, assuming the smile was for her. The little girl took a bite of the rice cake, promptly dropping it on the floor when she saw Julia watching her. She pranced off, turning round so her back was to Julia, then looked over her shoulder coyly, giving Julia a smile.

“Hello.” Julia's heart melted as she watched her display. “That's a lovely dress.”

The little girl watched Julia, sized her up and down, evidently deciding whether to talk. “It's my party dress,” she said eventually. “Can you see my rabbits?” She held up the skirt to show off her embroidered rabbits.

“They're beautiful,” Julia said, wanting nothing more than to scoop up this little girl and take her home. “Do they have names?”

The little girl shook her head. “Do you have rabbits?”

“No. But I did when I was a little girl. Like you.”

“What were their names?”

“I had a big white fluffy one called Flopsy, and a small brown one called Bugsy.”

The little girl bit her lip as she digested this information, then she took a step closer to Julia. “Do you have a little girl like me?”

Julia almost gasped in pain as she shook her head silently.

“Why not?”

“I . . . well . . .'' Julia looked up at the sky and tried to blink her tears away. “I'd love a little girl like you and maybe one day . . .”

“Katie!” the mother interrupted, coming over holding the little boy with one hand, her bag under her arm. “Leave the poor woman alone.” Taking Katie by the hand, she led her away with an apologetic glance at Julia. “I'm so sorry,” she said, pretending not to see the tears, “she drives everyone mad.”

“No, no, it's fine . . .” But the woman, seeing Julia's tears, had moved on, and Julia was left alone to grieve for the child she hadn't conceived.

How can she explain this to Mark? Mark, who has managed to internalize whatever pain he has been feeling. He doesn't talk about it. Doesn't share it. Figures the best way of getting over it is getting on with it.

Julia is occasionally envious of this. More often than not she is furious about this. If Mark won't share his feelings, then neither will she, but this loss and grief and pain is becoming a burden that's almost too heavy for her to carry, and it is all she can do not to scream at him with fury, using anything as an excuse to vent her rage.

Today, the day that Julia has left her job, has been forced to leave her job, Mark is still