with the heels of her hands, then leaned on the desk, like it was the only thing holding her up. “Julian. After me…People always say you’re supposed to face cancer with bravery. Why would they say something like that? What’s the difference?”
Audrey’s bad thoughts were gone, and so was her anger. It all seemed so small, in the face of Jill’s tragedy. “They don’t understand illness. That’s why. They want to pretend that they’re the lucky ones, who’ll never get sick or old. They think it’s something you can fight when really, like my mom, it’s something you have to accept.”
Jill’s voice cracked. “Yes. I think you’re right.”
“Julian,” Audrey repeated. “A good name.”
“And your mother?” Jill asked.
“Betty Lucas,” Audrey answered.
“Betty Lucas. I’ll remember that,” Jill said.
Audrey took a step in Jill’s direction. Jill let go of the desk. They stood close. Audrey was the first to reach out. She squeezed Jill’s shoulder, and Jill looked down, so her tears were unseen. “Thank you,” she sniffled.
Between different women, it might have turned into a hug, but for them, this was just as good. When they separated, they nodded, as if to wish each other luck.
28
For Whom The Bell Tolls
Back at her cube, Audrey swept up the mess of torn papers she’d left on her desk. The glasses were too heavy for her face and pinched the nub of skin between her eyes, so she took them off and put them in her sweatpants’ pocket, then thought better of it and broke them in half. The difference was immediate. Everything appeared brighter, and less like she was viewing the office through a thick glass aquarium.
Her headache returned, but the pain grounded her and diminished the effect of the Valium. She remembered then, that she’d taken lithium, which, in healthy individuals, can induce temporary psychosis. In individuals with family histories of mental illness, it can permanently alter brain chemistry and cause psychosis. She also remembered that she’d been taking it regularly since Saturday. Not so smart.
First thing she did was check messages. About ten were from the 59th Street team, and another five were from the therapists whose appointments she’d missed. The shrink with the Staten Island accent sounded the most annoyed. “It’s 6:30, and I’m waitin’!” she’d announced in the first message, and then, ten minutes later. “I’m lookin’ at my watch, and it’s 6:40!”
“I’m looking at my watch, and it’s Monday,” Audrey grumbled, then returned the call and left a message: “I had a family tragedy, but I’m still crazy and I still need to see you.”
On her desk were the blueprints she’d been working on last Monday. They were marred by about a hundred penciled-in doors. It took her a second to remember that she’d been the one to draw them. They were out of character from her usual doodles in that none were uniform. They weren’t even all rectangles, but hobbit-shaped warren holes, squares, even five-and six-sided figures. She began to erase them, then stopped and narrowed her eyes. Something interesting. She tacked the entire four feet of plans along the length of her cube wall and stood back to look.
The placement of the doors followed the imprecise pattern of a swirling conch shell. It gave the design a flow, where before it had been rigid. What if the hedges were curved and lowered in the places she’d drawn doors, so that pedestrians could see clear across to the next hedge? This wasn’t a maze at all. People would never feel lost inside it, because on tiptoe, they could always find their way out. The varying heights would make the hedges look like they were growing while people walked. A grin spread across her face. A whimsical, cheerful design. For the first time in her career, she’d created warmth!
She pulled the plan down and began to work. She sketched for hours and got lost in it. The feeling was good and returned a sense of normalcy. When she was done, she looked the job over and smiled broadly to reveal a row of unevenly spaced pearly whites. The plan was good, exactly what the Pozzolana brothers were looking for. Unless they were drunk, they’d approve it. So would AIAB. Her grin got bigger, stretching ear to ear: hot damn!
It was nine at night, and she knew pretty soon she’d have to leave. She thought about Jayne’s hula girl, which surely by now she’d seen, and the deflated air mattress, and her clothes. She didn’t want to go back to