team, Jim, Louis, and Henry, Craig, Mark, and even Collier Steadman, the head of Human Resources, were smiling…Was the watercooler spiked with liquid nitrous or something? “Come on!” David cheered.
They spent sixty decadent minutes at the restaurant. As the only woman at the table, she felt like a star. They pulled her chair out and poured a Bud for her. What could be more fun? “How do you not get caught, going out every day like this?” she asked.
Jim, whose family owned an entire apartment building in SoHo, finished chewing his food, and answered, “We just go. If you ask the bitch, she’ll always say no. So don’t ask.”
“Won’t I get fired?”
Collier from Human Resources, who was drinking his vodka-tini with his pinkies outstretched, moaned theatrically. Once, while she’d been filling out 401(k) beneficiary paperwork in his office, he’d broken down in tears because one of his poodles was sick. Bewildered, Audrey had patted him on the back, I’m sure he’ll be fine, she’d promised. These vets work miracles. He’d grabbed her hard and hugged her as he’d wept. Crazy, but who was she to judge? She talked to a cactus.
“Audrey, darling—” Collier scolded like the grand, barrel-chested queen that he was. “You’re so delightfully green. It’s a law: full-time work requires a sixty-minute break. Also, Jim, Jill Sidenschwandt is not a bitch. Her child is dying, and she’s watching it happen. You, however, are a ridiculous person.”
Audrey smiled. Collier saluted her with his martini.
“Bi-itch,” Jim repeated.
“I second. Motion carries,” Mark said.
It occurred to her that men could be catty, too.
Collier sighed. “Repeat. Dying son.” He’d sipped a third of his vodka-tini, and looked dizzy.
“No, I’d call her a bitch,” David said. “I took this job to learn something. It was a demotion from graphic design. She promised to train me.” Audrey frowned. She’d always assumed he was idle because he was lazy. She’d never guessed he might not know how to do the job. No wonder he was always leaning over her shoulder when he bought her those lunchtime Cokes, asking basic questions like, “Which of those dots represents the plumbing?”
“I have nothing to do. It’s like I’m fucking dying inside,” Mark said.
“Kafka over there,” Louis scolded, then took a gulp of his Taj Mahal. He showed up late every morning and left early, but nobody cared, because he never did anything.
“You guys want work?” Audrey asked. “I figured you’d get pissed if I asked, because I’m new.”
“I’d get pissed. Count me out,” Craig said, then ordered a third neat gin. The trick, he’d told her when they’d sat down, was ordering something that didn’t smell.
Simon dropped his fork and knife so they made a clamor against the aluminum plate. All eyes turned to him. He squinted at Audrey, and she could see that he was trying to contain no small measure of fury. “You’re obviously some kind of genius,” he spit. “But if you’d screwed up today, don’t kid yourself, they’d have fired you. And a few of us would have packed our desks up, too. On paper, you realize, I’m the second-in-command. Not that the bitch cares. I don’t know what she says to you in that office. None of us even know half the time whether the plans are the same from week to week. We need something to show for our paychecks, Lucas. We’ve got families. Christmas around the corner.” He glared. Nobody interrupted him. The idea that they wanted direction had never occurred to her, mostly because she’d never really believed she was in charge. Also, they were grown men: couldn’t they have rolled up their sleeves before this and simply found work that needed to be done?
“I’m sorry,” she said. “Of course. I didn’t think. I’ve been preoccupied. I’ll put something together for each of you as soon as we get back.”
“You’d better,” Simon said, and she realized that celebration wasn’t their only reason for taking her to lunch.
Collier began to clap, which broke the tension. “And that, ladies and gentleman, is our lesson for the day in passive aggression. Simon has lots of grumpy little demons to work out. And here’s my contribution in aggressive aggression: if you keep using the B word to characterize Ms. Sidenschwandt, I’m going to write you up for disciplinary action.”
David hoisted his beer. So did Collier. Then Jim, Craig, Louis, Henry, and Mark. Finally, jealous Simon. “To Audrey. For a job well done, and more work for the rest of us,” David said.