Asking For It - Allyson Lindt Page 0,53

hurt. You and they both blame things on being who you are, and it’s not your fault.”

I saw where she was coming from, but I disagreed. “It’s not—”

“The same?” Violet finished for me. “How many times in your life have you diminished your pain, because you don’t think you’ve earned the right to feel?”

I didn’t have a response, beyond you don’t understand, and something told me that wouldn’t cut it. This wasn’t as bad as trying to take the opposing point against Owen, but it was close.

I missed Owen. An ache throbbed behind my ribs. Shouldn’t I be numb to that now?

Violet studied me. “Nothing? You can say whatever you’re thinking. I’m listening. I’ll hear you.”

And now Kingston was in my head, too. Telling me he wanted to get to know me for me, not to take my business. I gasped on a sob. Why couldn’t I stop thinking about them?

I shook my head, unsure how to process any of this. It hurt, and someone was the cause of it. I let it happen. “Why can’t I make this empty pit in my chest go away?”

“Sometimes life hurts.” Sadie covered my hand with hers.

I knew that, but, “I was hoping for a more actionable answer. I thought they were sincere. They sounded... It felt...” Real. Even now, I swore the connection between all of us was real.

“Some people are good liars, and some people just make mistakes,” Sadie said. “It’s not always easy to tell which is which.”

Violet nodded. “I agree. But here’s the thing, I’ve rarely seen you happier than you were last Cosplay Saturday. During the day, in that gorgeous outfit. Not like someone hiding or hoping if they played by the right rules, things would be okay. You opened up. If you got to that point because of Kingston, that’s one thing he did right. But you’re that person even without him.”

“And that was part of the problem.” A big part of the problem. I opened myself up to them. “I don’t want to believe they did this maliciously.” Now that I was talking, my jumbled thoughts from the last few weeks spilled out without much order. “But of course I don’t want to. What I want doesn’t change what is.”

“People can make mistakes and learn and grow,” Violet said.

“And sometimes people make a bad judgment call, because they make mistakes, not because they’re bad people,” Sadie added. “And sometimes people who have been hurt have a hard time accepting that others love them for them, without ulterior motive.”

I glared at Sadie. “I’m starting to think you’re not on my side.”

“Then you’re not paying attention.” Sadie didn’t flinch. “Maybe they used you, maybe they didn’t. You assumed the probably awfully fast, and I’m trying to tell you it’s not the only option.”

I scrubbed my face, and blew out a noisy breath through my fingers. “I don’t know what to do.” I wanted to undo the bad, and only have the good. “Sometimes I have this almost irresistible impulse to talk to them again. Not to forgive them, but just to hear their voices.” Sometimes. Every waking moment. Whatever. “That’s a bad idea, isn’t it?”

“It might be. There are times when it’s best to avoid the people at all costs who hurt us. Other times, reaching out is the only way to heal.” Violet was making good use of her therapy training. Of course she was putting it back on me to make a decision.

I was grateful for that, and at the same time resented it. I wanted an easy answer. “Those people we should avoid... do they change their business plan for the person they hurt, to avoid doing it again? Do they pay off hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, without demanding something in return?”

Violet shook her head. “There’s always a price attached to anything from the avoid them at all costs people, no matter how generous the act looks.”

“I can see why you let her run things.” Sadie leaned her head on my shoulder. “She’s smart. I don’t have quite such eloquent words, but Violet is right that you were happy with them. You were you. I’m sure they won’t be your only chance at that, and I’m not saying they weren’t wrong. I don’t know if I could forgive them. I want you to do what will hurt you the least now, and later.”

“Me too. Go figure.” I let out a short laugh.

I still didn’t have answers, though. And I still hurt, both