I believed that. Lived it. Accepted that that would always be the way it was for me. I shielded myself from anything that brought me excitement or happiness, kept myself separate from the business and my brothers, because anytime I experienced a moment of contentment, comfortable and safe, life pulled the rug out from under me.
All the defenses and walls I built to protect myself worked.
Until Caden came along.
He gave me all those things I’d convinced myself I didn’t need. With him, I feel loved and safe enough to be a little wild. He made me feel like I mattered, that I was the most important person in the world. He made me want to dream again, made me believe there was something and someone that belonged to me, and that I deserved to have my own life, not operate on the fringes of everyone else’s.
Just at the moment I began to see a future, to love him the way I’ve always wanted to love someone, it’s been ripped away. Now I don’t know what to do, so I’m sitting here, contemplating my options, seeing if I can salvage anything from the rubble.
My uncle walks in and sits down on his ancient recliner, moving the lever to lift his feet. “How are you doing, girl?”
Tears sting my eyes, and I shake my head. “How’d you do it, Uncle Beau? Love her even though she didn’t deserve you?”
I don’t know why I asked the question. I guess I’m hoping I can somehow come to understand the family sadistic streak. We don’t talk about the fact that Uncle Beau, who was my daddy’s brother, fell in love with my mother the second he laid eyes on her. It’s a well-known family secret we never, ever discuss.
His gaze narrows. At sixty-one he’s a handsome man—a silver fox, as they like to say. And though I know he’s had what he calls “lady friends,” it’s my mom who holds his heart, even years after her death.
I don’t want to become like him. I can’t. Only it feels like it’s barreling toward me, and I’m unable to escape.
He’s silent long enough that I don’t think he’s going to answer, but then he shrugs. “Who said she didn’t deserve me?”
“I do. You’re the best. You should have been our father instead of him.”
Even though my mom didn’t deserve him, selfishly, I’m glad we had him. Way back before the bar, Beau had been the sheriff, and the only positive male role model we had. I’m not sure what would have happened to us if he hadn’t been so dedicated to her.
He laces his fingers across his stomach. “I’m not even close to the best. What you don’t understand is that in the end, we’re all just a bunch of flawed fuckers stumbling our way through life, doing the best we can.”
I tighten my ponytail until it stings at my temples. “But didn’t you want someone who loved you and not someone else? Why did you hang on to the fantasy for so many years?”
He sighs, long and deep. “I don’t know why. She became a habit I didn’t know how to stop.”
“What about after she died? Did it set you free from her?”
I don’t like the reflection he’s shining on me, so I need to understand how to avoid it. I have to understand how you move on.
I’m in love with Caden. There needs to be a way to recover.
“It did, in a way.” He glances at the TV. There’s a couple slow dancing under a fairy-lit gazebo. “But I never found anyone I loved more, so I kept letting them go. I liked them enough that I wanted them to find someone who loved them the way they deserved. It doesn’t matter. I’m good. I’ve got the bar and you guys. It’s enough for me.”
“I don’t like it.” I’m defiant. I need to have hope for him so I can have hope for me.
He shrugs. “Not everyone is destined to grow old with someone. All I can tell you is I’m at peace with it. It’s not a priority at this point in my life.”
I have no answer for that, and I don’t want to think about it, so I change the subject. “I know you have a soft spot for Jackson because he looks so much like her.”
“I’ve got a sweet spot for all of you, just in different ways.”
I search his expression. “Oh yeah? What’s your sweet