The house is full again, packed to the gills with friends and family that came to celebrate Gwen and Jackson’s big night. Our hard work paid off, and everything went without a hitch. But right now, while they’re all still at the party, I’m trying to enjoy the silence.
I’m thrilled that my brother Jackson has found his happily ever after. I love Gwen and all the light she brings to our lives. I love even more that Nat has a fantastic mother who is so committed to my niece it brings the sting of tears to my eyes.
They did everything they set out to do. The food was a triumph, and the alcohol flowed freely. They’re all having so much fun, enjoying the fruits of their labor, but I needed to escape all the good cheer and overflowing happiness.
It’s too painful right now.
The ride I took the other day was exactly what I needed and what I feared. It didn't make me want to ditch my life and become a horse breeder, but it did remind me what happiness feels like—and that I’d recently been so very close to having everything I ever wanted.
But I do still love riding. So I did make one decision.
I talked over what I wanted to do with Jackson and Wyatt in between the crazy, and they were happy to oblige. It isn’t everything, but it’s something. It’s for me, and for now it will have to do.
Luckily, things around here have been insane, and I’ve been grateful for the distraction work has provided to keep my thoughts at bay. But now the adrenaline has worn off, and the sadness is creeping in once again.
With each day that passes, Caden feels more and more like a dream. The distance between us is crushing.
It’s for the best, or at least that’s what I’m still telling myself. I’ve survived the worst part. It’s got to get easier from here, right?
It’s just…hard.
The only thing I’m happy about is that I keep moving forward, keep taking the steps I need to get my life together. It’s been slow, but I’m doing it. I tuck a lock of hair behind my ear. At least I can thank Caden for that.
There’s the crunch of gravel to my left, and then the man himself appears from around the house, climbs the steps, and sits down next to me.
I glance at him. “I don’t remember inviting you to sit.”
He shrugs. He wore a charcoal gray suit this evening and looked as devastating as you might imagine. The jacket has long been discarded, but his white dress shirt still looks crisp. The starch of newness clings to the cotton. “I wondered if maybe I could talk to you yet?”
“Why?” I want everything at once. I want him to stay and leave. I want to cry under the stars before I go to bed, and for him to hold me close. I crack a bit and give him an opening—not sure what he’ll say, but wanting to hear it. “Is there anything left to say?”
“I have things to say.”
“You seemed content to keep your distance.” The silence between us, even though I put it there, hurt. I wanted him to fight. I think... I don’t know.
“You asked me to leave you alone, and I respected your decision.” He glances at me. “Besides, I had things to do before I could make my argument.”
“And if I don’t want to hear it?”
He looks out across the fields. “If you keep sitting here next to me, I’ll probably make it anyway.”
“How very Caden of you.” He’s sitting too close to me, so I inch over to the rail. I kicked off my high heels at some point, and now I wish I wasn’t barefoot. It makes me feel vulnerable and small, like he could break me.
But I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore. He’s already broken everything he can.
He glances down at me. “You look very pretty tonight.”
I have on a yellow spaghetti-strap sundress that’s nice enough. I turn to look at him. “That’s what you want to say?”
He shakes his head. “No. But it’s true.”
“Well, maybe you can get on with it.” I wave my hand in the direction of the restaurant. “I want to be alone, and you can go back to the party.”
“I don’t want to go back.” He meets my gaze. “I want to be with you.”
My heart gives a hard thump. “That’s no longer an option.”