“No, you’re a man. Sometimes that’s just the same thing,” she fired back. She took a deep calming breath, then continued. “I can’t have it be a surprise, Gabe. For our babies’ sake, and, frankly, because I have strong feelings for you myself, I’m willing to roll the dice with you. But I need you to give a little in return. The times in my life when men have been able to hurt me are when I didn’t see the trouble coming.”
Strong feelings? What were strong feelings in her book? He skipped the milk and grabbed the vodka from the freezer since it was the closest available alcohol.
“You need to communicate, Gabe,” she continued. “It’s important in every aspect of our marriage, but especially when it comes to sex.”
Strong feelings. He scowled at her. Was that her way of saying she loved him?
Feeling cornered, he lashed out. “You want to communicate about sex? All right. Fine. You give good head, Nic.”
“You are such a jerk, Callahan.” She lifted her chin and gave her hair a regal toss. “It’s a good thing I’m a vet and understand how wounded animals lash out. Of course, I also know what to use to put them down. Maybe you should remember that.”
He laughed at that, poured a shot of vodka, and threw it back like water. Then, without conscious thought, he filled a mug with milk and set it in the microwave to heat. Nic watched him and a tiny, sad smile played on her lips.
As he punched in the time, she approached him and rested her hand on his arm. “Gabe, I will never understand what it’s like for you, the complexity of your feelings, or the depth of your grief. But you are my husband and the father of my children. I care enough about you to listen with an open mind and an open heart.”
He closed his eyes. Emotion coiled within him. A part of him wanted to open up, to share how great she made him feel, to tell her that she … mattered. But a bigger part of him wanted to keep his mouth shut, sweep her up into his arms, and carry her upstairs to his bed so he could exorcise his demons in more mind-numbing sex.
“I’m asking you again, are you okay?”
“Didn’t I already answer that question?”
“You answered the superficial question. We’re sleeping together now. Surface doesn’t cut it.”
As the microwave dinged, he grabbed hold of the counter with both hands and dropped his chin to his chest. “You’re not giving this up, are you?”
“It’s too important.”
Surrendering, Gabe cleared his throat. “Here’s the thing about surface, Nic. Living on the surface, I can keep my head above water. Most times, treading is the best I can do.”
“Treading isn’t living, Gabe.”
“I know. But see, every so often, my feet find the sand. I start to think I can make it to the beach. Then, invariably and without any warning, the pain will roll in like a tsunami. It’ll flatten me, knock me right on my ass. Sometimes I can climb right up again. Other times I get caught in the undertow.”
“That’s when you need a life preserver, Gabe.”
He turned his head and looked at her. “And I find that hanging on the wall here, is that what you’re saying?”
“I can throw it to you if you want. I’ll man the line to pull you to safety. However, I need you to ask. I need to know that you want not to drown.”
“I think I’m getting a bit lost in this metaphor.” Gabe punched the button to open the microwave. He removed the mug of milk and handed it to her, saying, “Here’s the deal, Nic. You ask how I feel. Right now I feel pretty good. Hell, I feel great. I’ve missed sex. Being with you tonight was fantastic. I’d like nothing more than to have it become a regular part of my life.
“That said, I’d love to be able to say that I’ve put my guilt and ghosts behind me for good. But I can’t promise that. I’m not trying to be a jerk here. I know it’s not fair to you, and it makes me feel like a bottom-feeder to say it, but no matter how good I feel tonight, I know there’s a chance I’ll wake up in the morning feeling like I cheated on Jen.”
“Fair enough.” She nodded, and a little smile played upon her