He was suddenly sheepish. “I did give it to Erica Kahn. Do you know her?”
I tried to place her, coming up only with a sweet thing who had been in Devon for no more than a year or two. “Personal trainer at the sports center?”
“Yes. Amazing body.”
“And a nice person, I hear.” My eyes touched his phone. “So why didn’t you answer?”
“Because that wasn’t her. It was someone I used to know.”
His guilty look said more. “Used to date?”
“It totally ended when I left,” he swore, defensive again, “and it was mutual. I don’t know why she keeps calling.”
“Maybe you should answer and find out?” I asked, remembering what Kevin had told me about Edward not so long ago. Confront him, he had said, so I did. It ended badly—well, not badly in the way that said good sex was never bad, but badly in the sense of emotional clarity.
And look at me now. Sitting on the floor. Using my cat to center myself and not quite making it. Emotional clarity gone.
Who was I to advise Liam?
I needed a cup of herb tea but was too weary to make it. Gently dislodging Hex from my lap, I managed to stand and head for the stairs.
“Where are you going?” Liam asked, only then sitting forward.
“To bed.”
“But I need to know about Erica.”
“Not tonight.”
“She is adorable and available and toned. She may be the best thing I’ve met in months. In years.”
“So call her,” I said and felt my own cell jingle against my hip. At this hour, on this night, I didn’t doubt who it was.
16
He tried calling first. When I didn’t answer, he texted. I ignored the first few dings while I got ready for bed. But something about removing my makeup and seeing the scar told me sleep wouldn’t come unless I had a silence that was totally Edward-free.
So when more dings came minutes later, I stared at the phone.
Call me, said one text, and a second, Are you home? When the third said, Are you safe? like I might have driven into a tree, I texted back, Yes. Home. Going to sleep.
His response was instant. I do. Love you.
Did, I corrected.
My phone rang. I picked up, just wanting to put it to rest.
“Do, Mackenzie,” he said without preamble. “Do. I do love you. I tried not to, but how do you stop something like that?”
“With murder?”
“Where? When? What murder?”
“You know what I mean.”
“I don’t. There’s no way, no way I’ll ever believe you wanted that accident to happen, so can we agree not to bring it up again?”
I sighed. “Tonight.”
“Forever,” he countered. “Look. Tragedies happen. How we handle them is a test of character. So I failed. I needed someone to blame, and there you were, happy to be blamed, and where did it get us? Divorced. Living alone. Miserable.”
“I’m not miserable.”
“Is that why you live alone—why you don’t date—why you freeze when the subject of being a good mother comes up?”
“I don’t—”
“Why didn’t Grace see, someone asked, and it triggered a memory you couldn’t handle.”
“It didn’t—”
“Then you zoned out, maybe remembering the accident or—or the time Lily grabbed the scissors and cut her finger instead of paper because you’d left the room for half a minute because I was yelling for your help from the other side of the house—or the time I sat her on the kitchen counter and she pulled a knife from the butcher block in the few seconds I was pouring her milk.”
“No—”
“And when you couldn’t breathe in the truck just now—is that what happy people do?”
I hung up, then silenced the phone so I wouldn’t hear it ring. Tossing it to the foot of the bed, I climbed under the covers.
The thing vibrated once, twice, three times, then stopped.
I turned off the light, rolled onto my side, and punched at the pillow.
When he tried again, the lit screen penetrated even my closed lids. Bolting up, I flipped it over to hide the light. Hiding. Yes, I was. And no, I wasn’t happy when I had to deal with the past.
But the past wouldn’t go away until I forced it to, I realized. So I snatched up the phone, clicked in, and said a tired, “Leave it, Edward. I can’t deal.”
He didn’t speak, but I knew he was there. I could hear his breath, rapid but gradually slowing until I felt him beside me, like he used to always be. No, I hadn’t had many friends growing up, and while that changed as