“It’s more than that, Alice. They are brothers, probably even closer than you are with Milo.” Her expression softened, and she took my hand in hers. “He can’t just shut him out. But he can’t lose Jack or you either. Family is very important to Ezra.”
“I don’t want Peter gone either,” I said carefully, and I was surprised by how true that was.
My body felt like a livewire that had just been activated. All my veins and cells tingled at the mention of him, and that dull ache I ignored pulsated like a fresh knife wound in my chest. Everything that coursed through me, coursed through me for him, and I knew that.
“You still feel it for him, then?” Mae had gone pale and her eyes had widened with worry.
“I can’t stop feeling it,” I said wearily. “I want to, sometimes, but I can’t. And I don’t think I can stop feeling anything for Jack either. But… I still miss Peter, and I’d miss Jack. I don’t know how I’m supposed to make sense of that.”
“You’re not. You’re not supposed to feel that way.” Mae smiled sadly at me and tucked a stray hair back. “But you already knew that.”
“Where is Peter?”
“He’s away, Alice,” Mae told me firmly. “And that’s the way it needs to stay. He’s not good for you. At least not right now, not with the way you both feel.”
“I didn’t want to see him.” I shook my head forcefully, maybe too forcefully. “I have no reason to see him. I was just wondering. So I would know.”
“Ezra is working on some things,” Mae went on, ignoring the fact that I protested a little too much. “Things will be settled soon. It may seem like a long time to you, but that’s just your age talking. Things will be better, though.”
I settled back in the couch, trying to slow the explosion of nerves inside of me, and Matilda rested her gigantic head on my lap. Mae went back to stroking my hair and trying to convince me that even fairy tales had their share of problems to work through.
I didn’t appreciate the way I still felt about Peter. By now, my feelings for him should’ve faded, especially after what he did to me. They should’ve been gone. But they weren’t.
It didn’t help that Jack wasn’t around to remind me what truly mattered. He stayed out all night with Milo, practicing in the lake. It was much longer than I was comfortable with, so eventually Mae went to check on them.
Once she confirmed that they were alright, she put in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, and curled up next to me on the couch. I lay with her, but I couldn’t concentrate on the movie. I couldn’t concentrate on anything.
Somewhere during the night, I fell asleep. I didn’t even realize it until Jack was lifting me up and carrying me out to the car. When I woke up, I put my arms around his neck and snuggled closer to him, relishing the way he smelled and how safe his arms felt.
“I’m glad to see you too,” Jack laughed quietly when I moved in close to him. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“No, its okay,” I said. When he set me down in the car, I was sad to let him go. “Why are you taking me home?”
“Mae thought it would be better, after what happened last time.” He shrugged and walked around to the other side of the car so he could get in.
“How did things go with Milo?” I yawned, and he just grinned at me.
“Good. Real good.”
“I really wish I could’ve seen you more tonight.” I let myself slide down in the seat so I was more comfortable. My body felt unnecessarily tired, already readjusting itself for the upcoming school schedule. “I think I needed to.”
“Yeah, me too.” Jack watched me struggle to stay awake. “Why don’t you just sleep? We can talk tomorrow.”
Despite my best efforts, I fell asleep again, and I really wondered what my problem was. Thinking about Peter too much had exhausted me, apparently.
When I got home, I didn’t even wake up at all. The next thing I knew after being in the car with Jack was waking up in my own bed.
It was reassuring knowing he’d taken me up, but something felt tragic about how little I’d see him. For some reason, I cried myself back to sleep.
This was the last night I could stay out as late as I wanted. Tomorrow would be my last full day before the start of my senior year, and my stomach cringed at the thought of it.
I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Part of me knew that my response should be to be party it up until the break of dawn, but I felt too depressed to even get out of bed.
Burying myself deeper in the bed, I ignored text messages from Jane. When broken down, they all said the same basic thing. “Hey girl! Let’s get drunk!” That was one of them verbatim, the “hey girl” and everything. I can’t imagine when she picked that up, but I hoped she dropped it pretty quickly.
Even Milo had texted me, but I didn’t reply to him either. He mostly just informed me that he was bored since Jack was gone, off meeting Ezra somewhere for some stupid business transaction.
I closed my eyes to the night outside my window, and I wondered how Jack wore his hair when he went on this business adventures with Ezra. Did he lay it flat, or gel it into the mess he normally has it? Did he wear a suit and tie? I could only picture him in the corner of some business meeting, playing Pac-Man on his cell phone, with his hair much too cockeyed for what could be considered appropriate.