Always Enough (Meet Me in Montana #2) - Kelly Elliott Page 0,92

years, women had flocked to me because I was a bull rider; companies wanted me to sell their stuff because I was good at what I did. I was something more than just some cowboy who worked on his daddy’s cattle ranch. It was the only thing I thought I was good at—and I was damn good at it. I poured everything into bull riding and the sport. I lost a part of myself after the accident. A big part. I felt like I was useless.”

She shook her head, but I kept talking.

“A feeling of dread, for lack of a better word, settled inside of me. Heavy on my chest. I was in a fog. Unsure of what my future was going to be, and honestly, I didn’t really give two shits.

“Then things went from bad to worse. I was told I wouldn’t be able to ride bulls ever again and that the healing process of my leg was going to be long and painful. So I pushed myself, hard. Did everything the physical therapist told me to do and then some. The surgeries sucked, the pain was bad, but I thought I’d be able to handle it. Hell, I’d had broken bones and climbed onto the back of a bull before and rode a full eight seconds, so a leg surgery was going to be nothing.”

I paused, taking a minute to calm my heart, which had begun to race some at the memories.

“The pain wasn’t worse than anything I’d ever experienced before. The difference was, I didn’t have a purpose. I wasn’t trying to be the best bull rider in the world. When I knew I was getting onto a bull, the pain sort of just went away. I dealt with it. I think it was because I didn’t have time to think about it. But with the pain after the accident and the surgeries . . . all I had was time. Alone. I’d sit there for hours and feel the pain course through my leg. I couldn’t figure out why this pain was so different from the other broken bones and injuries I’d had over the years, and believe me, I’d had a lot.

“One day, I popped a couple of the pain pills the doctor had given me, and they numbed the pain. Then I learned if I mixed the pills with beer, I felt even better. They numbed the pain not only in my leg but my chest and in my head as well. I got to escape for a little bit from the buzz. The more I took, the deeper into the darkness I felt myself slipping, but for a while, I felt safe there.”

I looked directly into Kaylee’s eyes. I knew what I was about to tell her could change everything. She had promised earlier today that nothing would make her leave. But once she heard my dirty little secret, I knew it would trigger her own demons . . . and I wasn’t sure she truly loved me enough to go through that nightmare all over again.

Kaylee reached for my hand and held it. “Don’t stop, Ty. Please, whatever you’re thinking is going to spook me, please don’t hold it back from me.”

I swallowed hard, then blew out a long, deep breath. “Right before my parents finally figured out what was happening with the drug abuse, things got pretty bad. I was popping pills and drinking a lot. I had gotten good at hiding it, but the higher I got on the pills, the more I slipped up. I look back now and wonder if I hadn’t been leaving my folks clues all along to figure it out.”

I thought about that for a moment before I went on. This next confession was going to be one of the hardest things I’d ever done. I looked at Kaylee and watched her face as I spoke.

“I haven’t ever told anyone about this, but I know I need to tell you. I need you to understand why I pushed you away.”

“Okay.” Her voice was soft but firm. As if she was mentally preparing herself.

“I found myself sitting in my truck one day, a pistol in my hand. I was going to end the pain once and for all. Make the nightmares stop, because no matter how hard I tried, I kept slipping more and more away from myself. To a place where I didn’t give two shits about anyone or anything. I almost took my own