“That’s the thing.” He looked more serious than she’d ever seen him. “I do want it to be. More, that is.” Keeping his gaze fixed on their joined hands, he said, “I haven’t done serious before, and there’s a reason I’ve kept my distance from stuff like this and worked the surface with other women.”
“You only have to tell me if you want to. Please don’t feel obligated.”
“I don’t feel obligated. That’s the least of how I feel with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve got me all wound up and spinning my wheels trying to figure out how to take the next step with you when I’ve never taken that step before. I talked to Hannah about it, and she said I needed to make an effort, to show you how I feel and what I want, but when I tried to do that, it turned into a complete disaster.”
“It wasn’t a complete disaster,” she said, smiling.
“Yes, it was! The last thing in the world I wanted was Chrissy throwing herself at me or Jessica pitching a fit because I had you with me.”
“Those things weren’t your fault.”
“Weren’t they? I’ve dated both of them in the past—and many others—and never promised any of them anything. I swear to God, I never promised them anything.”
“But that didn’t stop them from hoping for more.”
“I didn’t encourage that. They knew the score with me from the get-go, and if they changed the rules, they did it without my involvement. I’ve always been respectful toward the women in my life.”
“I have no doubt that’s true.”
“It is true. Just because they wanted more and I didn’t, that doesn’t make me an asshole. I was honest with them always, and not one of them could say otherwise.”
“You can’t blame them for wanting to be the one who changed Landon Abbott’s mind about happily ever after.”
He rolled his eyes at her gently teasing comment. “Whatever.” After glancing down again, he seemed to force himself to look directly at her. “I never wanted any of that stuff until I met you.”
The statement hit her like a punch to the gut, leaving her winded for a second.
“I went out of my way to avoid it because of something that happened to me a long time ago. And that’s what I want to tell you about. If you want to hear it.”
“I do,” she said softly, moved by how hard he was trying to connect with her, to make her understand him better. She squeezed his hand, hoping to encourage him.
“When we were kids, Luc and I had a friend named Naomi. She grew up with us, was in my class or Lucas’s every year and was just someone who was in our lives at school and outside of school. In middle school, we ran around with a group of kids, and she was always part of that crowd. What no one other than Lucas knew was that I really, really liked her. By the time we were sophomores in high school, my like for her had morphed into love that I had no idea how to handle in light of the fact that we’d always been just friends. With Lucas giving me a hard push, I finally asked her out, and she said she was so happy I’d finally asked. She said she was going to ask me if I didn’t ask her soon.”
Dear God, he was adorable with the way he smiled at that memory. “That’s so sweet.”
“It was. That day was, like, seriously, one of the best days of my entire life.” He drew in a deep breath and then released it slowly.
Amanda felt like she should brace herself for what was coming next.
“A few days later, before we got a chance to go out, she got sick. She had a terrible headache and a fever, and they thought it was the flu.”
“But it wasn’t?”
He shook his head. “Turned out to be bacterial meningitis.”
“Oh no. Landon…”
“She died after ten days in the hospital. I never saw her again after the day I asked her to go out with me.”
“Oh God.” Heartbroken for both of them, Amanda blinked back tears. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“Ever since then…”
She moved toward him, the ice pack falling to the floor as she wrapped her arms around him. “I get it. You don’t have to say any more. I understand completely.” She understood better than anyone else probably ever could, having been there herself.