“No, I think he’s pretty lucid. My lawyer says he won’t get it, but he might get something, in addition to Sussex. So that’s why I haven’t called you. I’ve been trying to sort this mess out. It had just happened two days before you got engaged.”
“I thought something might be wrong at first, but I told myself I was paranoid, and decided you were pissed.”
“Of course I’m not. And I’m sorry I can’t come to the wedding if I have the baby.” She was genuinely sad about it, and not being there for him, if he was really going to do it. She wanted to be there to support him.
“What do you think you’ll do about the pregnancy?”
“I’m not sure. I have to figure it out soon. I don’t feel right doing anything about it. But I’m not so sure I can do a good job of being a parent alone, or if I want to take that on,” she said honestly.
“You can do anything you want,” he reminded her. “You’re the strongest human being I know, man or woman. I wish I had your balls.”
“You do, you just don’t know it,” she said gently. “You’re such a good person, you always want to do the right thing for everyone. Sometimes being strong is not doing it, and taking care of yourself.”
“I wish I felt I had the right to do that. I don’t want to let Tamar down, or my parents. Maybe I’d never meet another girl who would be the right wife for me anyway. She’s the perfect traditional choice they want for me,” he said, sounding discouraged.
“Is that what you want, Sam? Tradition? Or something more exciting that suits you better?”
“Exciting is your downfall, Coco. Ed is exciting. So is Nigel in a way, in his world. That’s all flash with no substance.”
“And Tamar is substance without flash,” she finished for him.
“I don’t want an exciting marriage. I want a peaceful one. And so will you one day.”
“I thought Nigel had substance,” she defended herself. “I thought he was a good guy.”
“You didn’t know him long enough to tell. And Ed was cheating on his wife, which should have disqualified him. It’s the flash, Coco. Those damn exciting guys. It screws you every time.”
“I’ll try to find some really dull guy next time.” She wasn’t entirely kidding. “The next flashy guy who shows up, or comes out of the mists, I’m going to run like hell.”
“I hope so. Are you thinking of coming back to New York if you’re pregnant?”
“I don’t think so. I love my job here. It’s really fun, and Leslie is terrific to work for. I’m learning a lot about interior design, real estate, all kinds of stuff.” Sam could hear her getting farther and farther away from going back to school. He doubted now that she’d ever go back for her degree, especially if she had a baby. That would keep her busy for years, particularly if she was alone. But it might make her happy too, as consolation for losing her parents. It might be just what she needed, but he didn’t want to interfere. The decision had to be entirely up to her.
He was sure he’d be having babies soon too. Tamar wanted them immediately, as soon as they got married. It unnerved him to think about it. He could feel his youth flying out the window for good, at twenty-five. He had hoped to avoid fatherhood for several more years, but it didn’t look like that was going to happen. Tamar’s parents already thought she was late getting started at twenty-three, and were greatly relieved by their engagement.
Knowing he was getting married in June, Sam felt as though he had five months left to live and breathe without the responsibilities of marriage. But he had the consolation of knowing he was doing the right thing to honor his family and future wife. It broke Coco’s heart to think of it. He wasn’t happy for Coco either, after all that had happened to her, and now she had to face motherhood alone, if she went forward with the pregnancy.
“We’re in a fine mess, both of us,” Coco said to him, and he laughed. She used to say that to him in school, as children, when they got in trouble together.
“I guess so. Hopefully, it will turn out right in the end. Don’t let that bastard get a penny out of you. He doesn’t deserve even the property in