Hamptons, but somehow it was worse there, and they came back the same day. She kept expecting to see her parents walk toward her on the beach, and felt suffocated when she realized they never would again. It was over. Life as she had known it was over, and changed forever. Trying to get used to it was agony. Trying to accept it was all she thought about now, and she couldn’t.
She and Sam went for long walks on the weekends, and at night, by the river, when she couldn’t sleep. The nights were hot, and she would stare into the blackness of the water sometimes, thinking about them, and wishing they were back. Every day and every hour was painful. Some days were worse than others. And the nights were endless.
Sam’s mother continued to send her soup, and she ate a little of it, but nothing else, and she got thinner by the day. By the end of August, she looked worse than she had when it happened. Sam wasn’t surprised but he was dismayed when Coco told him she had decided not to go back to school, and take the semester off.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” He didn’t, but he didn’t want to push her. “What will you do with yourself all day?”
“Same thing I do now, walk around the apartment and stare at the furniture, or out the window. I just don’t think I could concentrate. I’d flunk out. It’s like my mind is just a bowl of mush. If I went back, I’d fail all my classes.”
“It might force you to focus. Maybe that would be a good thing,” he suggested cautiously. He didn’t want to upset her. She was in terrible shape.
“I’ll go back next semester. What difference does it make if I graduate six months later? Who cares?” It didn’t make any difference to anyone now, least of all to her.
“I care, you care. Just so you finish,” he said, a little firmer with her, and she nodded. He was her only counselor now, and they had both been brought up to believe education was important. It was to their parents, but she no longer had any.
“Yeah, whatever.”
“Your parents would care,” he reminded her.
“I know. I’ll go back, just not right now.”
Sam was working at his father’s accounting firm, and not enjoying it. It was boring, and he was worried about her all the time. She wasn’t bouncing back, but maybe that was to be expected. It had been about six weeks since they’d died, which wasn’t long. On Labor Day weekend, they went to the Hamptons again for the day, but they didn’t spend the night this time either. She didn’t want to, so they came home.
She smiled at him on the way back. “Are you tired of me yet? It must be a drag to play combination nursemaid/psych attendant,” she said sadly.
“Stop that. I love being with you.” He looked serious as he said it.
“I’m lousy company,” she said mournfully.
“Not always.”
“How is it working for your father?” She was turned inward, and hadn’t asked about anyone else since it happened, not even Sam.
“Pretty dull. I don’t know how he has made a lifetime of it.” He could be honest with her. “It’s actually depressing.”
“What would you rather do?”
“I don’t know. I always said I’d do this, but it’s hard. I don’t think I have much choice. It’s what they expect of me, but I can’t imagine doing this for the rest of my life.”
“You’re twenty-two. You don’t have to sell your soul forever.”
“They think I do. It’s good enough for my father, so they think it should be enough for me too. They want me to be an accountant. And my brother isn’t going into the business with him. He’s serious about becoming a rabbi.”
“What does he know? He’s fourteen. That’s like wanting to be a fireman or a baseball player. He’ll probably outgrow it.”
“I don’t think so. He studies with the rabbis every day. He loves it. I would shoot myself. That’s even more boring than what I’m doing.” Both his sisters were in college now, so only the two boys were at home. “And my parents are thrilled he’s so religious and scholarly. So we all have our roles to play. Mine is working with my father in his business.”
“Even if you hate it?” He nodded. “Remember what my mother always said, you don’t have to play by other people’s rules.”