wearing the outfit I’d chosen for Swan Lake. It was a white dress, with glistening black sequins that made the shape of feathers on my torso. As I was getting ready in the locker room, I scowled at my reflection in the mirror. My dress still fit, but it was almost too small. My infusions were making me gain weight, as indicated by the slight bump on my stomach that had become permanent. My form was more muscular than lithe now. My thighs and arms were thicker, and my face was fuller than it used to be.
My body had definitely changed from a year ago, and I didn’t know if the judges would like it. They preferred tiny skaters.
Well, screw them. I’d make up for it with my jumps. I reminded myself that though I looked different now, I was healthier since I started my infusions. I’d looked back at pictures from before I was diagnosed, and it was clear I wasn’t well. My skin was ashen, and bags were under my eyes. I was stick-figure thin from my body struggling to support itself without the help of my nonexistent immune system. If my body was clinging on to weight now, it was because it didn’t have to use every ounce of support it needed to survive anymore, and I wanted to be grateful for that.
Still… it was difficult to get used to a body that was completely different from the one I’d known all my life. It felt like I was piloting an alien meat suit, but fuck it. At least one thing hadn’t changed, and that was my love for skating.
I forced my hair back into a bun and attached a feathered headpiece to complete the outfit, unashamed of the person that I had become, and all I still had yet to be.
Lady Magdalina stood in the middle of the hallway, making sure Gabby and I were kept apart. She barked orders every now and then, but mostly, kept her sharp eyes fixated on what we were doing.
It felt like forever until the moment we were finally called to put on our skates for our warm-up. Nerves jolted through my stomach and ricocheted through my entire body. It was enough to make me want to puke. The crowd roared as we stepped onto the ice, and I swear, my insides bottomed out. The stands were packed— figure skating was a big thing in Malovia, and every seat in the arena was taken. I tried to block out the noise, yet it vibrated in my ears.
I did a few spins and went to open my practice with a triple loop. The attempt was sloppy, and my arms were loose. I immediately fell out of it. Redness rose to my cheeks. Had I really just flopped that in front of all these people?
I tried again. The loop was worse than the first attempt, and this time, I fell on my ass. I kept my head down, hoping nobody had seen that.
Gabby did. She gave me a smirking look as she watched me brush ice off my tights. You know, if I gave her a good punch, would the judges put some extra points on my score?
The rest of my practice was just as horrible. I couldn’t land anything. Lady Magdalina's mouth grew thin as she watched me fail time and time again.
I was considering running out of the rink with my skates still on. If my practice was this bad, there was no telling how awful my short program would be. I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of my country. This event was televised, for the gods’ sakes. It was the rivalry of the century, as the papers had called it. Everyone was excited to see me and Gabby go up against each other again after our battle in the King’s Contest, and for Milonna’s sake, I did not want to lose to her. Giving her the crown had been my first mistake. I wouldn’t make it again.
My eyes scanned the crowd, looking for a few familiar faces. Babcia and Bapa had shown up to watch me compete, though I noticed they’d taken seats on the opposite side of the rink from my mother. Arthur and Vara were here, sitting with Jasper and Ozzie. He must’ve just finished his skate, and looked pretty pleased with himself. Finlay gave a wave when he caught my attention, and I shot him a grin, though it was pretty forced. I was