The Alchemaster's Apprentice - By Walter Moers Page 0,90
supposed to fall in love with?’
‘Well,’ Echo said sheepishly, ‘me.’
Izanuela flopped down on her chair again. ‘Is that your plan?’
‘Yes. If he falls in love with me, he may not want to kill me any more.’
‘Good heavens,’ she said, ‘why on earth did I let you in?’
‘It’s only a request, not a demand,’ said Echo. ‘If you won’t help me, I’ll have to accept the fact. I’ll simply leave and we’ll never see each other again.’
He padded back to the door.
‘Hang on,’ she said. ‘Can’t I have a bit of a pause for thought?’
Echo came to a halt. ‘You’ll think it over?’
‘I don’t want you haunting my dreams for the rest of my life. Like last night. You were carrying your head under your arm like the Decapitated Tomcat.’
Echo returned to the table.
The Uggly grunted. ‘All right, let’s think…A love potion … Well, yes, that’s basic knowledge for an Uggly, but even my basic knowledge is patchy. I’ll have to consult the relevant reference books. And we won’t be needing just any old love potion, either. We’re dealing with Ghoolion. Who knows what he’s immunised himself against? It would have to be very potent stuff.’
‘That’s the spirit,’ Echo said appreciatively.
Izanuela cleared her throat. ‘There’s something else …’
‘What?’
‘A minor change of plan.’
‘Like what?’
Izanuela’s cheeks were burning. ‘Well, er…I don’t think it’s wise for him to fall in love with you.’
‘Who else?’
‘Well … me, for instance.’
‘You?’ Echo exclaimed in surprise.
‘Er, yes … If Ghoolion falls in love with you he may never let you leave. If he fell in love with me I’m sure I’d be able to persuade him to release you.’ Izanuela gave a little cough. Her forehead was beaded with sweat.
‘That sounds plausible,’ said Echo, ‘in a way.’ He stared at her. ‘There’s something else, though, isn’t there? Why are you blushing like that?’
The Uggly stood up and minced around the kitchen table like a little girl. She clasped her hands together and stared at the floor.
‘You asked me once why I’m still living in Malaisea,’ she said, ‘and I told you I stayed because I had the market to myself.’
‘Well?’
‘That was only the half of it. The truth is …’ She hesitated.
‘Yes?’ Echo prompted.
She raised her head and looked him straight in the eye.
‘I’m besotted with Ghoolion. There, now I’ve said it.’
Echo subsided on to his haunches. He felt as if his legs had been amputated.
‘Surely not!’ he gasped. ‘You’re having me on.’
‘What can I do?’ said Izanuela. ‘I’m in love with the old devil. There’s no accounting for tastes.’ She chuckled. ‘I can’t help it. It was love at first sight. He walked in, confiscated my library of Ugglian curses, increased the prophecy tax by two hundred per cent, sentenced me to a week’s hard labour because my cash box wasn’t the regulation distance from my scales, and that was it. I was done for.’ She sighed.
‘I must confess I find it hard to conceive of a romantic liaison between an Uggly and an Alchemaster,’ said Echo. He was still feeling bemused.
‘It’s a very one-sided relationship, admittedly. I adore him and he detests me, but it’s been like that all my life. I always fall for the wrong men.’
‘But can you genuinely imagine living with Ghoolion?’
‘I sit at my window every evening, staring up at the castle and picturing myself washing his socks and so on. Me, a dyed-in-the-wool Uggly!’
She opened her eyes wide, squinting horribly.
‘I led the Ugglies’ historic protest march on Baysville Town Hall. We stripped off our regulation smocks, made a public bonfire of them and marched through the town stark naked, singing as we went.’
Clearly carried away by her youthful memories, Izanuela punched the air with her fist and started singing in a rusty falsetto:
‘We are Ugglies, and we’re proud
to be members of this crowd.
Sisters, who cares whom we shock?
Take off that unsightly smock!
Be yourself, no more, no less.
Glory in your nakedness!’
‘Well?’ Echo said hastily, when it dawned on him that the Uggly was really preparing to tear the clothes off her body. ‘What happened then?’
Izanuela stopped short. She let go of the hem of her cloak, beaming delightedly.
‘People screamed in horror, of course. Just imagine: hundreds of stark-naked Ugglies singing and dancing in the streets!’
The very idea made the fur stand up on the back of Echo’s neck.
‘That was the end of the Ugglies’ smocks, take it from me. We were allowed to wear whatever we liked from then on.’
‘We’re straying off the subject a bit,’ Echo put in.