The Alchemaster's Apprentice - By Walter Moers Page 0,33

head and looked worried. ‘He was in real trouble! How was he to handle the situation with a Rootkin’s limited resources?’

‘By using his wits?’ Echo suggested.

‘Exactly,’ said Ghoolion. ‘And that’s just what he did. “If the giant got out of that bottle,” he thought, “he’ll fit into it again. I must persuade him to go back inside; then I’ll cork the bottle and bury it as deep as possible in the forest.”’

‘Smart idea,’ said Echo.

Ghoolion cleared his throat. ‘The Rootkin turned to the giant. “Excuse me, Your Immensity …” he said humbly.

‘“I never excuse anyone!” the colossus bellowed. “What do you want before I kill you?”

‘The Rootkin swallowed hard. “I was only wondering where you sprang from so suddenly.”

‘“From the bottle you opened, of course. And to show my gratitude, I’ll kill you first.”

‘“Very kind of you,” said the Rootkin. “The trouble is, I can’t believe a giant as huge as you could fit into such a small bottle.”

‘“What?!” the giant thundered. “You don’t believe it? Surely you saw me emerge from it?”

‘“I’m afraid I didn’t. I was so startled I shut my eyes.”

‘“So what? Don’t you believe I was inside there?”

‘“It’s working!” the Rootkin told himself. Aloud, he said: “To be honest, I think it’s quite impossible.”

‘“Shall I prove it to you?” asked the giant.

‘“It’s working, it’s working!” thought the Rootkin. “Oh,” he said, “you couldn’t. How would you set about it?”

‘“By diving back into that bottle like a bolt of lightning down a chimney. Well, shall I prove it to you or not?”

‘“It’s working, it’s working, it’s working!” thought the Rootkin. “You’re welcome to try,” he said, “but you’ll never manage it.”

‘The Omnidestructive Ogre gave him a long look.

‘“What I can’t believe”, he said at length, “is that you’re actually trying on the oldest trick in the history of bottled giants. The hackneyed old you’ll-never-get-back-inside-it number. I’m really worried about your mental state, you pinhead. Is that the best you can do?”

‘The Rootkin gulped despite himself. He had genuinely thought it a clever and original idea.

‘The giant roared with laughter. “This is the kind of bedtime story Omnidestructive Ogres have been told for millions of years. It’s elementary: never court a danger you’ve just escaped! Only idiots get back into their bottles! Never try to impress creatures smaller than yourself! Omnidestructive Ogres are taught that at school, even before planetary annihilation.”

‘“All right,” said the Rootkin, “I apologise for insulting your intelligence. But please, before you kill me, tear the planet to pieces, incinerate the universe and torture time to death, answer me one last question. After all, I did set you free.”

‘“Well,” growled the giant, “what’s the question?”

‘“How is it”, asked the Rootkin, trying to prick the giant’s self-esteem, “that, although I’m so small and weak and you’re so big and powerful, I can do something you can’t?”

‘“Like what?” the giant said scornfully.

‘“Well, I could squeeze into that bottle. You couldn’t.”

‘“Hang on!” the giant retorted. “I didn’t say I couldn’t squeeze into it, I just don’t want to. Anyway, I won’t believe you can fit inside until I’ve seen it.”

‘“All right,” said the Rootkin. He went over to the bottle and, with the greatest difficulty, squeezed inside. “Well,” he panted, “could you do that?”

‘“No,” said the giant, “not now you’re inside there. There wouldn’t be room for the two of us.”

‘So saying he corked the bottle and condemned the Rootkin to an agonising death by suffocation. But the Omnidestructive Ogre tore the world to pieces and reduced it to ashes with his flaming hair before embarking on an orgy of destruction throughout the universe. He extinguished sun after sun with his lethal breath until all that remained was the icy void of outer space, and that was where he tortured time to death.’

With a sigh, Ghoolion turned back to his microscope.

‘Oh,’ said Echo, ‘the end was rather surprising.’

‘Well, yes. That was a Zamonian story and it’s traditional for Zamonian stories to end in tragedy. What did you expect? That good would triumph over evil and small over big and nice over nasty? That wouldn’t be a proper bedtime story.’

‘What I don’t quite understand is what it has to do with alchemy.’

‘The essential point is that it hasn’t happened yet or we wouldn’t be here now; the whole of the universe would have ceased to exist. That story tells the youthful alchemist that he bears an immense responsibility. If he investigates the smallest of things, he may discover something big - a source of energy more powerful than any