The Alchemaster's Apprentice - By Walter Moers Page 0,109
… one hundred and seventy-one uggs of Tuberous Stinkwort …’
And so it went on until all the essences had been added in the quantities prescribed. Izanuela placed the saucepan over a low flame and suspended a thermometer from the rim. ‘Now we heat it to exactly seventy-seven uggs,’ she said. ‘It mustn’t boil under any circumstances!’
‘What is an ugg?’ Echo asked.
‘An ugg can equate to a gramme or a degree - sometimes to a millimetre. It all depends,’ said Izanuela. ‘Why?’
‘Oh, nothing,’ said Echo. Having already gained the impression that Ugglimy wasn’t a particularly exact science, he was now, for the first time, struck by the disturbing thought that Izanuela might merely be blinding him with science.
‘Seventy-seven uggs on the button,’ she muttered after a glance at the thermometer. She consulted the cookbook again. ‘Now for the infusion of Witch’s Purslane.’ She produced a big, rusty syringe from a cupboard and went over to a glass container. Once there, she froze. The syringe hit the ground with a clatter.
‘By all the … Oh, no!’ she exclaimed.
Echo hurried over to her. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked anxiously.
‘The Witch’s Purslane essence,’ she groaned, ‘it’s gone off. How could that have happened?’
The liquid in the glass container looked brackish and slimy. Fat bubbles of gas were rising to the surface, on which limp, greenish-brown leaves floated like victims of drowning. The rhythmical music ceased.
‘Oh dear,’ Izanuela wailed, ‘I turned off the filter by mistake and left it overnight. The essence has become polluted.’
‘So?’ said Echo. ‘It’s only a salad vegetable. I’m sure you can get some more.’
‘That’s just it. This was a very rare variety from a farm on Paw Island. Have you any idea how far away that is? It would take a week to get hold of another batch and by then the other essences would have lost their potency. Don’t you understand? This is the moment to brew the potion. Here, today, tonight! It’s now or never! Damnation!’ She thumped the glass container.
Echo feverishly searched his knowledge of alchemy for a solution. ‘What is in the plant?’ he asked.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘nothing special, really. Iron, zinc, alkaloids - the stuff plants usually contain. But this was Witch’s Purslane and it contained an exceptionally effective kind of mucilago. That’s a gum designed to bind the ingredients of our potion tightly together. It’s like a soufflé, my young friend. Unless you follow the recipe exactly …’ Izanuela subsided weakly on to a chair.
‘Ghoolion rendered one down and preserved its fat.’
‘Well?’
‘The fat of Planorbula armigera contains remnants of the slime the snail excretes and leaves behind it, and this slime has the same chemical composition as mucilago.’
The Uggly looked astonished. ‘How do you know that?’
‘It’s part of the alchemical knowledge Ghoolion has been drumming into this.’ Echo raised a forepaw and tapped his head.
‘Off you go, then!’ cried Izanuela. ‘Run back to the castle and fetch some of this snail fat. In the meantime, I’ll -’
‘No can do,’ said Echo.
‘Why not?’
‘There are several locks on the door of the cellar where the fat is stored. I can’t get them open by myself.’
Izanuela rose from her chair and drew herself up. ‘Oh, no,’ she said, folding her arms, ‘not again. Count me out.’
‘I went into the Toadwoods all by myself,’ said Echo, ‘and you didn’t warn me about the toad. You owe me one.’
‘No, I don’t!’ she said defiantly.
‘They’re pretty sophisticated locks,’ Echo said thoughtfully, ‘but we should be able to open them between the two of us.’
The Uggly had fallen silent.
‘Have you forgotten what you said just now? “This is the moment to brew the potion. Here, today, tonight! It’s now or never!”’
Izanuela groaned.
‘“Copious streams of sweat shall flow from my overheated brow …”’ Echo reprised.
‘Yes, yes,’ she groaned again, ‘“as I brew the magic broth that will help me plight my troth!”’
‘That’s the spirit,’ said Echo. ‘Do you by any chance have a flute in the house? And a picklock? We’ll be needing a candle, too.’
The Burglary
Having satisfied himself that the Alchemaster was busy in his laboratory, Echo hurried back to the castle entrance, where Izanuela was already waiting for him. Then they set off for the cellars.
‘There’s something else I should tell you,’ Echo whispered as they were creeping down the long, dark stairs.