Lex and Violet together and then assuring myself that Violet wouldn’t do that.
Giving up on the idea of sleep, I got up and quietly slipped out the front door. Standing on the beach and looking out onto the ocean helped clear my head. I walked closer to the water and sat down on the cool sand.
“What were you doing?” I asked Violet, the universe, or whoever was listening. “I wish you were here to talk to me about it. I wish you had talked to me about it while you were still here.”
I sat and listened to the water, watching the patterns the moonlight made as it rushed back and forth. When my thoughts were calmer and my eyelids felt heavy, I got up and went back inside the bus.
Dear Diary,
He makes me feel dirty. I want to scrub my skin until it’s polished and new. Orgasms have turned to guilt. I think they know. We’re bound to be caught soon.
XOXO,
Violet
I woke up to the sound of waves. A soft blanket was draped over my body, and my cheek was pressed to a cool pillow. Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes and took in the sight of the morning light bathing Kai’s home in golden rays. A full pot of coffee sat on the countertop. I ran my fingers over my neck and looked down at Kai’s oversized shirt on my body.
I didn’t plan on spending the night. It just sort of happened. I wished I could have slept longer. When I realized where I was, thoughts of last night assaulted me. The kiss. The lingering touch. The feel of his body against mine. More so than that, it was also the way he opened up to me. He’d told me about his family and revealed more about Violet’s murder. I had a lot to come to terms with.
I got dressed and folded the blanket I used, deciding not to indulge in the coffee Kai set out for me. I already knew he was probably outside on the waves. And when I went to stand on the sandy beach, I saw him cutting through the ocean on his board, expertly dancing across the thrashing water with skill.
I shamefully watched him, allowing myself to feel guilty about what had happened last night. I’d betrayed Violet in more ways than one. I kissed Chase, now Kai. I couldn’t even blame it on the debilitating grief, because in the moment, she wasn’t on my mind.
I felt sick to my stomach. I was disgusted with myself. I’d never been the type to flirt. To touch. To date. To kiss. To give in to my desires. If Violet were here, she would have slapped me. She wasn’t even cold in the ground, and I was kissing the boy she loved and lusting after her brother.
Round and round and round my mind raced as I watched Kai surf. He hadn’t noticed me yet, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk to him. He didn’t seem bothered by last night. Our kiss was full of passion. His touch ignited something within me I couldn’t even articulate.
But it was wrong. And if he didn’t feel bad about it, then I would feel bad about it enough for the both of us. Deciding not to wait for him to stop surfing, I started walking down the road toward the school. I set one foot in front of the other, letting my obsessive thoughts drive me forward.
“Violet, I’m fucking it up here,” I whispered to the air. We’d traveled down this road many times before. If I closed my eyes, I could almost hear her giggling as she coasted down the long hill. “I’m so sorry. It’s pretty shitty, huh? All our lives, you’ve been telling me to go crazy for once. You’ve been shoving boys at me since I got my first training bra. And here I am, kissing your brother and Kai of all people.”
I imagined what she would say. She’d probably kick my ass for touching her man, and I would deserve it. She’d probably also kick Chase for touching me.
I realized that I had made it all the way to school when the sound of teenagers talking and laughing briefly stirred me out of my compulsive thoughts. I wished that I could go back in time to when Violet was still here and we were a part of the throng of normal teenagers worried about tests and boys.