I had to tread carefully with her. I wanted her to talk to me; I didn’t want to piss her off. “I’m just making sure you’re safe,” I replied in the softest tone I could muster.
Bethy let out a frustrated growl. “Don’t! I don’t need you making sure I’m safe. It doesn’t matter if I’m safe. I haven’t been your concern in a very long time.” She was trying to control herself. She wanted to hit me. Scream at me. She wanted to blame someone else for Jace’s death, and I was the easiest person to hate.
“It matters to me that you’re safe,” I said simply.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her hands were clenched tightly in fists as they rested on her hips. “I don’t like seeing you. I don’t like you watching me. I want to be left alone. I’m going to get a restraining order against you, Tripp, I swear to God,” she threatened.
We both knew I had done nothing to her and she wouldn’t be able to get a restraining order. But telling her that would only upset her. “I know you hate me. For a long time, I didn’t know why. But I do now. Hell, Bethy, I hate myself,” I admitted. “That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I’m worried about you, and if you don’t want me near you, I get it. But I’m going to keep you as safe as I can. I’m sorry if that upsets you.”
Bethy let out a hysterical laugh that wasn’t a laugh at all. I loved Bethy’s laugh. The one when she was happy. Hearing her laugh and watching her smile had once owned me. I’d do anything for it. Now it was nothing more than a hollow, hard sound that only added to the pain between us.
“Why did you come back? I was fine. Jace and I were great. I was happy, Tripp. I was so damn happy.” Her voice cracked, and I wanted to reach for her. The hard, angry shell she’d surrounded herself with was cracking. “Seeing you ruined it. Everything! It ruined everything. Then . . . you . . .” she let out a scream and pressed her hands over her eyes. “I tried to make us all work. I tried to like you. I tried to accept that Jace loved you, and I wanted to forget the past. I wanted to forget that summer. I had Jace. Why did you have to remind me? Why did you have to . . .” She swallowed hard. “I was happy. I had thought Jace was my one. Then you came back and screwed it all up. Why?” Her voice was so broken. Tears filled her eyes as she glared at me.
I had come back with the excuse of checking on my friend Della Sloane. I’d met her in Dallas at a restaurant where she was a waitress and I was a bartender. I had sent her here to get a job at the club and live in my condo after she’d slept with our boss, who she hadn’t known was married at the time. I hadn’t lived in the condo since that summer I met Bethy, when my grandfather gave it to me as a graduation present. I had sent Della to the one place I knew she’d be safe. I had been right. She was now engaged to Woods Kerrington and was blissfully happy.
At the time, I told myself I’d come home because I’d heard Jace’s voice on the phone and had missed home. I’d known Jace was with Bethy, and as hard as that was to accept, he was the better man. He was good for her.
Looking back now, I could admit I came home for her. I wanted to see Bethy. I wanted to see if time and distance had truly ended what we once had.
They hadn’t.
“I wanted to come home,” I said, unable to tell her the full truth.
Bethy’s shoulders sagged, and she crossed her arms over her stomach protectively. “We were happy. You ruined it.”
She didn’t have to explain. I understood. When I had walked up to Jace’s door and Bethy had answered it, it was as if all those years had vanished. The girl who had shown me that love really was worth fighting for had stood there, older but more beautiful than I’d remembered. She was my girl. And she was wearing my cousin’s T-shirt, looking like she’d just crawled out of his bed.
We hadn’t spoken. We’d just stood there and looked at each other. For a moment, I’d almost expected her to jump into my arms, but then Jace had walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, grinning up at me like the happiest man on earth.
The world had fallen out from under me at that moment. Although I had known I’d lost her, it didn’t hit home until then. All these years, I’d lived with a guarded heart. I never got close to a girl. My heart had been claimed years ago. Not once had I been tempted to give it to anyone else.
“I’m sorry,” I said finally. And I was sorry. I was sorry I had come home. Because she was right. It had ruined everything she had built. I hadn’t been able to stop eating her up with my eyes, had been unable to get my fill of her. When Jace wasn’t around, I’d watched her hungrily, like my last breath depended on it. We never spoke, but words weren’t needed. I’d said enough with my eyes.
“You will always remind me of what I lost. Twice. I only lose with you, Tripp. You leave destruction in your wake. I can’t handle losing anything more.”
More than once since Jace had drowned, I wished to God it had been me. If I had been there that night, I would have saved his life. I wouldn’t have let him drown saving Bethy. I’d have beaten him to those waves. It would have been me who drowned that night. And all would have been right with the world.
Hearing Bethy tell me what I already knew, and what I already dealt with every day when I opened my eyes, made it impossible to breathe. I wasn’t worth the air I breathed. Knowing that the woman I’d love until the day I died believed the same thing made life seem pointless.
Which was why I would continue to keep her safe. I had to make this life mean something. This life I didn’t deserve. Keeping Bethy safe didn’t just mean something, it meant everything.
She didn’t wait for me to respond. She turned and walked back across the street, then climbed into her car. I waited until she was on the road and headed home before I pulled out onto the road and followed her.
Bethy
I stood behind my curtains and stared across the street at Tripp. He was sitting on his bike with his eyes fixed on my window. Normally, he left when I turned out the light at night. Once he was gone, I’d turn it back on. Tonight he wasn’t leaving. I had turned off the light an hour ago, and he was still sitting there, watching my window.
I had been numb for so long that ignoring him hadn’t been difficult. But lately, it was getting to me. The numbness I had embraced was slowly fading away, and long-buried emotions were finding their way to the surface, past my shield.
There had been a time when I was angry at the world, but I thought I’d moved on from that part of the mourning process. I had cried out all my tears. When the numbness came, I held it close. I wanted that. I needed it in order to continue living. The guilt and pain were tearing me apart.
Woods hadn’t been able to look at me because of the role I had played in Jace’s death, and I’d held on to that. He hated me still. He knew it was my fault. I clung to that. I needed to be hated. I didn’t need pity. I didn’t deserve pity. I should be hated. I wanted to be hated. Woods gave me that.
Everyone else worried about me. I didn’t want them to worry about me. They all saw what had happened. They all should hate me. But they didn’t. I stayed away from them, because the pity was too much. It wasn’t me they should worry about. I wasn’t worth their worry. I wasn’t worth their sympathy.
Then there was Tripp. As much as I wanted him to, he wouldn’t leave. He wouldn’t go away.
He no longer tried to speak to me. He had stopped that a long time ago. But he was always there in my damn rearview mirror, following me. Standing off in the shadows, watching me like some insane protector. I didn’t need protection. Especially not his.