Keep her in line? Wait . . . what? Shaking my head to clear my thoughts from how sweet her ni**les would be, I forced myself to focus on what she was saying instead of how she would taste. She didn’t think she was good enough for Sawyer? Had Sawyer made her think something was wrong with her? Surely he didn’t know she felt this way.
“Ash, you’ve been nothing but perfect since you decided to grow up. Sure, you used to help me put frogs in people’s mail boxes but that girl’s gone. You wanted to be perfect and you achieved it.”
She laughed and sat back up. I chanced a glance over at her. The dimple was there as she gazed down at the water.
“If you only knew,” was all she said.
“Tell me.” The words are out of my mouth before I could stop them.
“Why?”
Because I want you. Just you. The girl I know is in there, hiding from the world. I want my Ash back. I couldn’t say it like that. She’d see too much. I had to protect myself.
“Because I’d like to know you aren’t so perfect. I’d like to know the girl I once knew was still in there somewhere.”
She laughed again and pulled her legs up to rest her chin on.
“There’s no way I’m admitting all my faults to you. Considering most of them are just in my thoughts and I’ve never acted on them.”
“I’m not asking for your deep dark secrets, Ash. I just want to know what you could possibly do wrong that makes you feel Sawyer’s got to keep you in line.”
Her cheeks turned pink but she kept her eyes straight ahead. After a few minutes of silence I stood up and stretched.
“That’s fine. I don’t really need you to tell me how you don’t always remember to take the buggy back to the return place in the parking lot or you don’t make it to the nursing home every week.”
I started to walk away, angry at myself for sounding like a jerk.
“Those are things Sawyer has to help me remember . . . but I wasn’t exactly referring to them.”
She said it so softly I almost didn’t hear her. I stopped and turned back to her. She was peering up at me through her wet eyelashes.
“I’m just like any other teenage girl. I envy Nicole because she can be who she wants to be. I can’t. But it isn’t Sawyer’s fault. I’ve never been able to give in to those urges. My parents expect me to be good.”
“You want to be like Nicole?” I asked in horror. She laughed and shook her head.
“Not exactly. I don’t desire to vomit on myself and be carried inside my house drunk . . . or be known as a slut. But just once I’d like to know what it feels like to do more than just kiss. To be touched.” She stopped and turned her gaze back toward the water. “Maybe to know what the thrill of sneaking out of my house feels like or how it feels to be wanted by someone so desperately they can’t help themselves when they kiss me. Maybe, to just feel desirable.” She stopped again and covered her face with both her hands. “Please forget I said all that.”
Talk about an impossible request. I was having a hard enough time breathing.
She let her hands drop away from her face and turned her guilt-ridden expression back up to me. The lost look in her eyes was killing me. I wanted to assure her nothing was wrong with her. I wanted to show her exactly how insane she made me. She stood up.
“So now you know my secrets, Beau. Just like old times. I think that makes us friends again, huh?” The smile on her lips trembled.
Fuck me.
“Yeah, I’d say it does,” I replied as regret consumed me.
Chapter 3
Ashton
I watched as my parents’ mini-van backed out of the driveway before picking up my phone and texting Beau.
Me: Would u like to come watch a movie at my house?
My heart started racing in my chest. What was I doing? I’d already blurred the lines today at the hole. I should have never talked with Beau about secret desires. But just thinking about the intense gleam in his eyes as I’d explained what I wanted to experience made my body flush with excitement.
Beau: Ur parents?