“Preston, say something.”
I realized, sitting there looking at her, that I loved her. I’d been right. When you love someone, you can’t lie to them. It hurts too much. It’s a deception that goes too deep.
“I remember seeing her,” I finally replied.
Amanda raised her eyebrows. “And? Were you in Janice’s bedroom?”
The truth was going to rip my heart out, but it was what she deserved. What she’d always deserved.
“Yes, I was.”
Amanda didn’t say anything. She just sat there staring at me in shock. I knew she was waiting on some reason as to why I was in Janice’s bedroom other than what her mother had told her. I wished like hell I had a reason other than the truth.
“My mom said Blanche Turner told her that she pays you to sleep with her. That many women do. Tell me that isn’t true, Preston. I don’t believe you’d do something like that.”
I stood up because sitting down was impossible. This was the moment I’d feared since I’d let Amanda in. “I have classes and baseball, and three other mouths to feed, and a whole other house’s bills to pay. Three kids aren’t cheap. I have to make sure they’re fed and still keep my scholarship, which means I don’t miss baseball and I don’t fail classes. It’s more responsibility than most adults have, Manda.”
Amanda stood up. “Are you telling me this is true? All this time, you’ve been leaving me to go screw other women for money?”
“They mean nothing to me. They know it. There is no emotion. Just sex. It’s more money than I could make doing anything else. It keeps the kids taken care of, and I don’t have to worry about how I’m going to keep their electricity on or how I’m going to pay for braces or for new tires for my mom.”
Amanda shook her head. The disbelief in her eyes sliced through me. “You never thought to tell me about this? How long have you been doing this?”
“Three years.”
“Three years? So you just started dating me and let me promise to be exclusive and that I wouldn’t be with anyone else, while you left me regularly to screw other women?”
“No! It was just sex. I felt nothing for them. Ever. They were a job. That’s all they’ve ever been.”
“But you didn’t tell me—”
“I didn’t tell anyone, Manda. It’s not something I’m proud of. I tried to push you away. I tried to tell you I wasn’t good for you, but you wouldn’t stop. You kept getting close, and I wanted you so bad.”
“You let me fall in love with you,” Amanda said as a sob escaped her.
And I’d fallen in love with her. I couldn’t tell her that now. Not like this. She’d think I was saying it to keep her. I didn’t want her to ever doubt it. If I told her now, she’d never believe it.
“I’m looking for another job. I’m trying to find something else to do. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to be worthy of you. Of your love. I just need some more time.”
Amanda covered her mouth as another sob broke free. She shook her head. “No. It doesn’t work like that. You should have told me. You made a fool out of me. I thought what we had was special to you. I knew you didn’t love me, but I thought you cared for me. But all this time, you were leaving me to go have sex with other women. I don’t care that they paid you. It’s that you did it. That you could do it. I could never have let another guy touch my body. Not when I was with you. I wouldn’t have been able to stomach it.” She wiped at the tears streaming down her face.
“I had to have the money—”
“No, Preston. That isn’t a good enough excuse for me. You should have told me in the beginning. Before I fell foolishly in love with you. You should never have asked me to be exclusive and led me to believe you were doing the same thing.” She turned and headed for the door. This was it.
No!
I ran after her and wrapped my arms around her from behind. It was time to beg. “I swear to you that I will find another way to make money. I never cared about any of them. Just you, Manda. It’s always just been you. Don’t walk out of here. I can’t lose you.”
She was stiff in my arms. “When you chose to sleep with other women and lie to me about it, then you decided that you could lose me. You knew all along that if I ever found out I’d be gone, but you did it anyway. Let me go, Preston.”
I deserved this. Every moment of agony and pain that followed, I deserved it. Letting my arms fall away, I watched helplessly as Amanda opened the door and walked out without a backward glance.
She wouldn’t be back. This was it for us. Just as I’d realized that I couldn’t keep lying to her because I was in love with her, she’d realized that you can’t love a lie.
Amanda
When I opened the door to my house, my mother was standing there waiting on me. Any anger I’d felt was gone. It was replaced by a cold, numbing pain.