“I don’t know what’s going on here. You’re a first on all accounts. Maybe Death does have to take your soul after all. I have no idea. My guess is that you had better go get back into that body of yours and live this life. I’m afraid Death hasn’t been given a reprieve for his rebellion. If you don’t go back to your body then you’re going to spend eternity as a wandering soul. I don’t have to tell you what a wandering soul is because we both know you already know. You see them all the time. Do you want to have their miserable existence?
Look, don’t let him have been given eternal damnation for nothing.” She walked over to where my body lay, lifeless. “If he has to burn in Hell for all eternity don’t let him have to do it knowing you’re a lost soul. He’ll know. They will make sure he knows. It’s all about the pain and torture down there.
What a little heat can’t do to him the knowledge that you gave up the promised eternity he fought so hard for you to keep is going to cause him pain like you will never comprehend.” She stared down at my body. “It’s your choice.
Get back in and live. Do it for him.” Then she was gone.
I stood over my body looking at it as hot tears ran down my face again although now I knew I only felt the memory of tears. I was a soul. I couldn’t cry. I touched my face and my body felt cold. The thought of returning to this body and existing while Dank no longer roamed the Earth because of me was unbearable. “You’re my reason for my existence, Dank. How can I live without you?” I whispered into the room and knew no matter what pain life would hold for me I couldn’t cause him any more pain. I would endure life so he wouldn’t have the guilt of my lost soul to torment him. He’d given up everything for me. I could sacrifice an eternity of sorrow, if that’s what it took to ease his suffering. I slipped back into bed and felt a warm tingling sensation run through me as I rejoined the body I’d left. My eyes opened and a sob escaped from my lips.
“Pagan, honey? You ever going to get up and come eat?” Mom was standing at my doorway smiling at me, completely unaware that her last visit into my room she’d seen an empty body.
“Yes, um, sorry. I guess being in my bed again caused me to oversleep.” She walked over to me and sat down beside me.
“It felt good to have you home last night. You can miss school today if you need a day to get adjusted.” I thought of staying home in my room and knew it would be too hard. I needed to get out and talk to people. I needed to see life and find a way to survive it. I wouldn’t be the cause of Dank’s pain. I’d live, for him.
Chapter Twenty
Mom had sent Leif on to school without me and explained I would be coming in late. Leif was one thing I had to deal with. If I had to live this existence, I couldn’t continue to use him. I would never love him the way he deserved. He was my friend and a source of comfort. Allowing myself to remain his girlfriend not only was wrong for Leif, it was a betrayal because I would never belong to anyone but Dank. I couldn’t live that way. Living wasn’t going to be easy for me.
I needed to cut all the strings that tore at my already damaged soul.
By the time I checked in to school I’d missed English Literature. The halls were filling up with students. I held my books close to my chest and clenched the pink late slip in my hand. I could do this. I chanted the reminder over and over in my head. Miranda came out of the crowd of people, beaming when she saw me.
“PAGAN! Hurray, you came! I’ve missed you like crazy bad. Now lunch won’t be so boring and, Oh my G! Guess what?” I struggled to keep up with her rush of words so it took me a moment to realize she wanted me to react to her
“guess what.”
“Oh, um, what?” I couldn’t even force a smile.
She beamed at me and glanced around to see if anyone was listening to her before looking back at me. “Dank Walker is here. Like, at our school. Like, as in, enrolled at our school.
Can you believe it? I mean, I know he went to a high school in Mobile, Alabama up until last year when his band landed a hit song and started playing all over the United States instead of just the Southeast. GAH! Can you believe he is here! At our school? I guess if he had to go back to high school our little quaint coastal town is preferable to somewhere in Alabama. But still, I can’t believe this.” I stood frozen as her words registered in my brain. Dank was here? How? The rocker she spoke of no longer existed.
Panic laced with disbelief tightened my chest and I had to take a deep breath.
“Where?” I managed to ask, knowing I couldn’t mask the desperate expression on my face. Miranda grinned and nodded toward Leif.
“Better get that star struck look off your face. Here comes your man.”
I barely glanced at him and reached for her hand. “Tell me where he is. Please, now.” Her eyes grew wide at my sudden breathless demand. She was going to think I was flipping my lid again.
“Uh, um, well around here somewhere,” she said in a concerned tone and glanced over at Leif, forcing a smile that didn’t meet her worried eyes.
“Did you know Pagan was a big Cold Soul fan?” Leif glanced at me but I didn’t have time to deal with him at the moment. I needed to find Dank.
“I have to go. I’ll see you later,” I said by way of explanation as I headed through the crowd at a run. I fought the urge to call his name aloud.
“You’re going to get put back in that mental place if you don’t calm down.” Dank’s smooth voice spoke teasingly in my ear and I spun around. He was, of course, not whispering in my ear or anywhere near me.
“Where are you?” I hissed quietly. I heard a chuckle and I jerked to look behind me to see a freshman couple kissing.
“The picnic table,” he said simply. I turned back around and headed for the front doors of the school. He was waiting for me at the place I had spotted him for the very first time. I pushed open the door with both hands and took off running.
He was lounging there just as he had been the first day I’d seen him, smiling at me as I came around the corner. I dropped my books and hurled myself into his open arms. A sob wracked my body. He was here! He was here. I couldn’t speak so I kept my face buried in his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. I wanted to gaze up at him and kiss him and ask him how, but I couldn’t seem to control the well of emotion overwhelming me. He pulled me onto his lap and sat back down on top of the table.
“Glad to see me?” he asked in my ear. His warm breath tickled my ear. I laughed into his chest and nodded, still not sure I could speak. “I would have come sooner but I wasn’t sure. I had to wait until…” he trailed off and I pulled back to look up at his face.