He sighed. “It’s all I have known for a very long time.”
“This is hard,” I admitted.
His eyes were haunted. I hated that I was the cause of all of this. Being with me seemed to only bring him trouble.
“I’m tough.” I forced a smile. “I can live through this.”
Jax didn’t say anything for a few minutes. He reached over and pulled me into his arms, and we sat in silence.
“I promised you I would never let anything hurt you again.” He closed his eyes tightly and whispered, as if the images in his head were too much, “And instead I’ve not only hurt you, but your mom.”
I touched his arm hating to see him so torn up inside. “I told you I was tough. It isn’t your fault.”
He dropped his hold and pulled away from me and leaned forward on his knees. “No, Sadie, no! This is all my fault. I am the world’s favorite teenage rock star. I live in the media. But to hear them,” he stopped and his jaw clinched, “to hear them talk about you that way. I need… I want to hurt someone.”
I scooted up on my seat to get closer to him. “Jax, please, I should have known something like this would happen. Yes, it hurts, but I can live through this. I can live through anything as long as I have you.”
He shook his head violently. “Don’t you see, Sadie, this is just the beginning. Your life will never be the same. I knew this when I first realized I wanted to be with you. My life isn’t made for relationships. Only girls in the spotlight can handle it, and I have never found one I wanted. Then came you. Sweet, gorgeous, selfless...everything I had never known. I was selfish to allow this to happen. I was selfish when I decided to charm you, and when it worked, I was selfish to want to hold on to you.”
He took my hands in his. “I love you more than anyone or anything I have ever known. You’ve somehow become the song inside of me. It’s because I love you so much I am going to walk out of your life and allow you to heal and find someone worthy of you. Someone who can take you to the movies and out to get a pizza and not have to worry about being mauled by fans, or your picture taken and splashed all over the news. I want you to have more than I can give.”
I glanced out the window and realized we were sitting outside my apartment again.
“I’m not strong enough to do this, Sadie. If you love me, you will get out of the car and walk away.”
My heart shattered, and I couldn’t get a deep breath. My eyes were clouded by unshed tears. But I didn’t move, I couldn’t.
“I don’t want to walk away from you. I love you, but how can you ask me to do this?” I whispered.
He studied me with hard eyes. “Sadie, I was leaving anyway in a few short weeks. We couldn’t have kept seeing each other after I left. This, and more, would happen if I tried to come back here during my free time.”
“But you said you loved me.”
His laugh sounded hard and mechanical. “Sometimes, Sadie, love isn’t enough. This is one of those times.”
The door on my side opened, and Kane stood with his hand held out to me. Jax eyes seemed void of emotion.
“Goodbye, Sadie.”
I always knew he would have to be the one to end this. I could never walk away from him any other way. But he wanted me to now. He wanted me to leave. I was a hindrance to his life. I couldn’t fit in. I hated myself for my weakness and my emotions. But I knew they were a part of me, and I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t be what he needed. I stepped out of the car and headed toward the door where my mother stood waiting on me. She had known somehow I would be coming back this way. The tears rolled down my face as I made my way to her, and for the first time since I was a little girl, I hurled myself into her arms and wept.
* * *
Chapter Fifteen
I’d never been empty and void before. Even during hard times, I’d had a dream for my future. To live without a daydream or hope for happiness was like walking around dead. There was no future I could see that gave me reason to daydream. I hadn’t left my room for days, I’m not sure how many, but I couldn't bring myself to get up. Jessica stood outside my door everyday and talked to me. She left food that I didn’t eat, and she threatened to have me hospitalized. But when someone doesn’t care if they take their next breath, threats mean nothing.
Jessica had begun leaving the house for hours at a time. The sound of her car starting up let me know she had left. After sunset, her car returned. She always asked me if I was okay and encouraged me to eat. But I couldn’t eat. My appetite had gone. I knew without my working, we would run out of money, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Something inside me wanted to stay in this room and not move. If I moved, it hurt, and I couldn’t deal with the pain again.
Somewhere in my darkness a phone rang. The ring of a familiar song that sent arrows through my heart. I knew it was for me, but I couldn’t answer it. His voice on the other line would open the blackness I had wrapped around me. I needed the blackness it kept out the pain that wanted in. So I let it ring. The song eventually stopped, and I knew I’d never hear that ring again. I had the darkness to hold onto. That kept the pain out. It was so much easier this way.
A knock on my window startled me, and I jumped. The window opened, and I sat motionless, unable to stop the intruder. The fight in me was gone. I watched as my intruder stepped into the darkness, and the familiar face of a friend broke through the dark blanket, and my tears began to fall.
Marcus sat down beside me against the wall and pulled me into his arms. I went like a child and curled up in his lap and cried. He didn’t speak. He just held me, and his silence and acceptance soothed the pain. When my crying eventually mellowed, I stared up at him and touched his face. He was real, and he was here. Even after I had been the reason he lost his job, he had come to me in the darkness.
“Sadie,” he whispered, as if his words might be too much for me. “I need you to eat for me.” He continued and shifted me so I sat beside him.
I frowned at him, confused. Why was he talking about food?