"Mama," she mumbled in a sleepy voice pointing to Tawny.
"Yep Mama is home."
"Dada" she pointed to Jefferson.
My head snapped around and my eyes locked with his.
Slowly I took in his nose and eyes. The way his bottom lip was slightly larger than his top one. Could this be him?
Holding Larissa tightly against me I shifted my questioning gaze to my sister.
She let out a sigh and rolled her eyes.
"Fine. You'll find out soon enough anyway," she hissed,
"Jefferson is Larissa's dad. But he's still married and in the process of a divorce. Once it's final Larissa and I'll be moving out. You can have this place once we're out. I don't ever want to set foot in it again."
She'd broken up a marriage. Larissa was this man's love child. Oh. Shit.
"Close your mouth Low and give me Larissa. Then leave, please."
I walked toward Tawny in a daze. I'd always wondered if that was the case but hearing her admit it was like someone had slapped me. Tawny reached for Larissa and Larissa buried her head in my chest and clung to me.
"No," she said loudly. Tears were in her little voice.
"Give her to me Low," Tawny was angry.
"Go to Mama now sweet girl. I have to go to work," I said gently easing her small head back to look at me.
"My Lowlow," she announced wrapping her arms tightly around my neck.
"Yes, your Lowlow but your Lowlow needs to go to work.
Your," I paused and stared up at Jefferson ignoring the sick knot in my stomach, "Daddy is here to see you." I felt like I was going to throw up. My sweet baby girl was the product of adultery. It made me want to scream to the top of my lungs. This was so unfair. I hated what Tawny had done yet I couldn't wish it'd never happened. Holding Larissa in my arms I could never wish she didn't exist.
"My Lowlow," Larissa repeated patting my chest. I turned my attention back to her and she was giving her father a toothless smile while introducing me to him. Tears burned my eyes and I forced them back. Crying would upset her and I needed her to let me leave. Although running out the door with her wrapped tightly in my arms was tempting. I wanted her away from the truth that would haunt her for the rest of her life. I knew what that stigma felt like. The dad that only visited you when he could get away from his real family. Being the product of an affair. That was me. It had shadowed me my entire life. Not being good enough for my dad to want me all the time. And then the visits had just stopped one day. He'd moved his family away and I never saw or heard from him again.
I had no doubt in my mind Jefferson would do the same thing to Larissa. He'd tell my gull ible stupid sister that he was leaving his wife but he never would. She'd never leave this house. Larissa would grow up here while one man after another walked in and out of her mother's life. She'd cry herself to sleep for the daddy who'd not wanted her.
"Give her to me and just go," Tawny demanded ripping Larissa from my arms. She knew what I was thinking. She hated me for it too. The fury flashing in her eyes didn't scare me. The pain she'd eventually face when this man never came through for them and eventually left them alone was what scared me.
"MY LOWLOW," Larissa howled as her small arms reached for me.
"Shush Larissa. That's enough," Tawny scolded only causing Larissa to scream louder.
I wanted to grab her back but the longer I stood here the worse this would get. Instead I blew her a kiss, "Love you my pretty girl." Then taking a page out of Marcus's play book I said, "Remember act like a princess. Princesses don't scream." She paused and thought about it a minute while little tears rolled down her face.
"Skiutles," she said frowning.
"Yes, that's right they say Skittles," I assured her then waved goodbye, "I'll see you soon, okay." I turned and rushed out the door before the tears came.
I'd walked about a mile when I saw Marcus's truck slow down beside me. He was out of it and over to me immediately. I knew I looked a mess. I hadn't called him because I'd needed to cry and vomit. Walking helped calm me down some and clear my head.
"Low, what's wrong?" He asked pulling me into his arms. I shook my head and willed myself not to lose it again. I couldn't tell Marcus any of this. My world wasn't something he'd understand. It was ugly. I didn't want the taint that had followed me all my life to be a part of my relationship with him. He'd see me differently if he knew. He'd see Larissa differently. If I wanted us to work I couldn't share this part of me with him.
"Why didn't you call me? I was writing and glanced at the time and realized you should have called an hour ago. I came as fast as I could."
I pulled back from his chest and swallowed the lump in my throat. The acidic taste from puking burned my throat.